There's somebody down the road from me, I can't believe how rude she is. The other day she told me to cut my lawn! 'Long grass could kill a child,' she said. Presumably they fall over and it lodges in their eye. Death by grass - can't be very common.

I once dressed up as a mountain when I was in Spain. It was for some fancy dress do. It was awful though - nobody knew what I was! I had my face painted green and I had green hair and I had sheep stuck all around my thighs! Mountains don't come without sheep, do they?

I've got nothing against pornography - except all the bad knickers.