I was to follow a well-known 'variety act' called Mr Methane. Now if you've never heard of this guy, then put this book down for two minutes, log on to YouTube and type in his name, then come back. OK, what did you think? Yeah, dog shit? Well, this audience thought he was hilarious. He stood on stage in his green superhero outfit and farted the National Anthem into the microphone for twenty minutes. To this crowd, it was up there with Tommy Cooper and Bob Monkhouse; they were crying with laughter. I was standing at the back of the room, looking on in horror. I knew two things: one, this was the worst thing I'd ever seen on stage (and I've seen Phil Collins live), and two, I was definitely not using the same microphone as that dirty bastard.