[about Jerry Lewis regarding his hosting of the annual Muscular Dystrophy telethon] You know, it used to be called the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Now they call it the Jerry Lewis Telethon. That's because someday they expect to find a cure for Muscular Dystrophy, but they'll never find a cure for Jerry Lewis.

[about the time he appeared on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962) when Frank Sinatra was hosting it] When Sinatra said, "We'll be right back with John Barbour!" They went to commercial break and there was no music. When it came time to introduce me there was still rumbling in the audience. If you watch the first minute and a half--I don't get many laughs. When the show was over one of the musicians came over to me and said, "You know, we're sorry we didn't play, but [Johnny Carson] ordered us not to play when you were on." He was a very mean, narrow, vindictive human being.

[on At Long Last Love (1975)] If this Peter Bogdanovich fiasco were any more of a dog, it would shed.