I'll start the show properly in a minute I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite.

[on Chris De Burgh] This is Never Mind the Buzzcocks (1996), the pop quiz that says 'The Lady in Red - obviously not as shaggable as the nanny, is she?'

(Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) - Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!