If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.

[on his reduced screen time in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (1999)]: It's mystifying to me. And I have to admit my feelings are slightly hurt. But I do feel flattered my fans miss me!

[2010 - on making The Wrong Guys (1988)] Richard Lewis, Tim Thomerson, Louie Anderson. We had more laughs on that movie than legally allowed. We were slowing the filming, just laughing hysterically. That's all I remember. Really having a great time. Of course, the movie wasn't considered the Citizen Kane of comedy, but I thought it was a sweet movie. More of a kids' movie, but marketed as an adult comedy, which was the problem. A lot of good memories, though, I'll tell ya that. Richard Lewis and I were very close friends. We started hanging out in the early '70s, Catch A Rising Star and Improv. We were very close. And Tim was a good friend. Louie was a friend, I didn't know him that well, but I knew him. It was wild. One day, we literally almost died, laughing so hard. We were working on the side of the mountain, we started rolling down the side of the mountain as we were laughing. I have to say Tim Thomerson is one of the funniest people I've ever met.

[on landing his small role in Scarface (1983)] I was asked to audition. Oliver Stone wrote the screenplay and Brian De Palma directed. I went to audition for the producer, and the producer said "Okay, Richard, do your act." And I said, "No, I don't work in offices, I work at clubs. If you guys want to come down to one of the clubs and see me, then I'd be glad to." And then they gave me a script, like an MC script that they wanted me to ad-lib off of, and I refused to do that, and I could see that the producer was getting angry. I think Oliver was a bit amused, because I know 20 other comedians had gone in and done stuff for them, and I didn't. So I got the part. But the producer knew who I was and had seen me work, so he just said, "Make sure it's funny. We want the audience in the theater to laugh the way the audience in a club would." So, they let me write my own stuff, and I felt good about that. Let me make the coke jokes I wanted.

[on United States soldiers serving in Operation Iraqi Freedom] You think everyone over there is a college graduate? They're 19- and 20-year-old kids who couldn't get a job.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.

[on his long-running character, Detective John Munch] Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.

Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.

I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!