I loved every inch of this film

[While angrily reviewing Dirty Grandpa (2016)] If this isn't the worst movie of the year, that means I still have two hours of hell in front of me!

[While reviewing Behind Enemy Lines (2001)] This is like a bad Three Stooges skit!

[From his review of Snakes on a Plane (2006)]: There are only so many ways a snake can kill a passenger - snake to the neck, snake to the eye, snake to the bosom, snake to the crotch, snake down the throat - before it gets boring and kinda depressing...Ditto for the ways in which one can kill a snake. You chop it, you squeeze it, you shoot it, you set fire to it, you read the screenplay to "Snakes on a Plane" to it and it lapses into an irreversible coma.

Since 1999 I've been carrying a blue pill in my pocket, holding onto it for the moment when I'd truly need it. The pill, I was told would instantly erase the memory of any movie - but just one movie, just the one time. I was tempted to take that pill after 'Freddy Got Fingered'. But I hung onto it, knowing something even worse was going to come my way one day. Midway through 'Movie 43' I knew the day had come. 'Movie 43' is the 'Citizen Kane' of awful.

[on Michael Bay] He's the LeRoy Neiman of directors.

[After giving a thumbs down to Disney's Chicken Little (2005)] I don't care whether the film is 2-D, 3-D, CGI, or hand-drawn, it all goes back to the story.

[To Roger Ebert regarding the film Freddy Got Fingered (2001)] This is ground zero. It has to be ground zero of bad comedies. And Tom Green with his horse and with his elephant... if a woman was doing that, this movie would be banned in Tijuana let alone getting an R rating. And it's just so horrible. And he's such an unfunny guy. He should be flipping burgers somewhere. Why is Tom Green getting movies and who wants to see this guy? You know, even in a stupid comedy, there has to be a set-up before you have a punchline. This is just, "Hey, let's just do a bunch of punchlines and the punchlines are let's do gross-out stuff." Let's do jokes, like you said, about child molestation. But there's nothing even set up for the bad taste humor.

[on films getting an R rating because of smoking] I don't hear anybody saying, "If there's a *gun* in a movie, we should automatically consider an R rating." There are a lot of movies . . . that are *quite* violent, have lot of shootings and killings, and everybody's perfectly fine with getting a PG-13 rating. So, something like Ghost Rider (2007) with Nicolas Cage gets a PG-13, but now if there's smoking in a movie, it's gonna get an R, I think it's nonsense.

[After Ebert suggested Vincent Gallo should bill The Brown Bunny (2003) as "the worst movie ever made" to make "people want to see it"] Well, I understand your point. If you told me that over in the corner there was a hot, steaming pile of excrement, I'd want to go over and take a look, but I'd be glad I didn't make it.

[To Roger Ebert regarding the film May (2002)] If it's ever playing on an airplane, I'm going to find out if my seat really is a flotation device. 'Cause I'm jumping out, okay?