Captain Keene : Then I was going to say keep a stiff upper lip. Missionary : Well I'm not standing around here waiting for mine to stiffen!

[the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]  Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh! How awful! What can have happened ? Captain Keene : I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here. Missionary : Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks! Private Jimmy Widdle : Ginger! Missionary : Who is? Private Jimmy Widdle : He is. Ginger, my mate. Sergeant-Major MacNutt : Private Hale ? Private Jimmy Widdle : Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle. Private Ginger Hale : Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate? Private Jimmy Widdle : Ginge, mate! How do you feel? Private Ginger Hale : Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded. Private Jimmy Widdle : Only here and there. Private Ginger Hale : Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right? Private Jimmy Widdle : Of course not, Ginge mate. Private Ginger Hale : Eh? Private Jimmy Widdle : I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate." Private Ginger Hale : I'm not going to be all right? Private Jimmy Widdle : Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it. Private Ginger Hale : You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say. Private Jimmy Widdle : What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight. Private Ginger Hale : Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you! Sergeant-Major MacNutt : That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad? Private Ginger Hale : They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them. [He belches]  Private Ginger Hale : Burpas! They... they... oooh! [Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]  Private Jimmy Widdle : Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate! [Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]  Private Ginger Hale : That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!

Captain Keene : We need that rope of yours to get over the wall. The Fakir : I'm sorry, it won't work. Not without the magic words. Sergeant-Major MacNutt : Come on, you'll be well paid. The Fakir : Those are the magic words! Help me off this thing! [Keene and McNutt lift the Fakir off, to reveal empty space]  Sergeant-Major MacNutt : What thing? The Fakir : Oh look - I've had a touch of the levitations!

[Sergeant-Major MacNutt has knocked Captain Keene to the floor with the spear lodged in his back]  Captain Keene : Sergeant-Major, report to the surgeon and get that thing taken out!

Captain Keene : [news of the native revolt arrives]  What do you intend to do, sir? Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Do? Do? We're British. We won't do anything... Major Shorthouse : ...until it's too late. Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Exactly. That's the first sensible thing you've said all day.

Brother Belcher : I've never ridden in a cart pulled by cows before. Captain Keene : Bullocks, Mr Belcher! Brother Belcher : No, I haven't, honestly.

Captain Keene : Fire at will! Brother Belcher : Poor old Will, why do they always fire at him?