[the Wide Window]  Count Olaf : The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked by fear and panic / They end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic / We polled a bunch of adults, 99% agree / There must be something happier on screen for you to see...

[the Bad Beginning]  Count Olaf : Three children lose their home and go to live with someone awful / He tries to steal their fortune with a plot that's not quite lawful / It's hard to fathom how the orphans managed to live through it / But how a decent person, like yourself, would even want to view it...

[theme song]  Count Olaf : Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / This show will wreck your evening, your whole life, and your day! / Every single episode is nothing but dismay! / So look away! Look away, look away! [different verse that varies with each adventure]  Count Olaf : Just look away! Look away! / There's nothing but horror and inconvenience on the way / Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" and they will say: "Look away!" / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away!

Count Olaf : [produces an hourglass]  When the sand runs out, the Baudelaire fortune will be mine! [the sand runs out]  Count Olaf : ...I bought it online. You need to turn it over a few times.

Violet Baudelaire : Why do you hate us so much? Count Olaf : Because it's fun!

Count Olaf : In all honesty I prefer long-form television to the movies. It's so much more convenient [looks at camera]  Count Olaf : to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.

[the Wide Window]  Count Olaf : The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked by fear and panic / They end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic / We polled a bunch of adults, 99% agree / There must be something happier on screen for you to see...

[the Bad Beginning]  Count Olaf : Three children lose their home and go to live with someone awful / He tries to steal their fortune with a plot that's not quite lawful / It's hard to fathom how the orphans managed to live through it / But how a decent person, like yourself, would even want to view it...

[theme song]  Count Olaf : Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / This show will wreck your evening, your whole life, and your day! / Every single episode is nothing but dismay! / So look away! Look away, look away! [different verse that varies with each adventure]  Count Olaf : Just look away! Look away! / There's nothing but horror and inconvenience on the way / Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" and they will say: "Look away!" / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away! / Look away, look away!

Count Olaf : [produces an hourglass]  When the sand runs out, the Baudelaire fortune will be mine! [the sand runs out]  Count Olaf : ...I bought it online. You need to turn it over a few times.

Count Olaf : In all honesty I prefer long-form television to the movies. It's so much more convenient [looks at camera]  Count Olaf : to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.

Violet Baudelaire : Why do you hate us so much? Count Olaf : Because it's fun!