[Lt. Reed's stomach has been mutated]  Lt. Reed : Have you got anything for my stomach? Chef's food isn't sitting too well. Dr. Phlox : Till your digestive tract is fully restored, you may want to avoid Mess Hall. Lt. Reed : What do you suggest I eat? Dr. Phlox : You're welcome to some of the moth larvae I feed to my Pyrithian bat.

[Archer, Tucker and Reed are highly agitated from a nearby radiation source]  Commander Tucker : [showing Archer his schematics for the new Captain's chair]  You might want to see this, sir! Interactive status displays, secondary helm control. It's even got inertial micro-dampers. The ship could be shakin' apart and you'd hardly feel a thing! Lt. Reed : [frustrated]  You ignored a Tactical Alert for this? Commander Tucker : [ignores Reed]  I want to run some colours by you for the head rest. Lt. Reed : This is all a big joke to you! Commander Tucker : [to Reed]  Give it a rest! Lt. Reed : This isn't a bloody pleasure cruise! Without proper discipline on this ship, this mission is doomed! Commander Tucker : [highly annoyed]  Why don't you play soldier somewhere else? Lt. Reed : [with suppressed anger]  If this were a military situation, you'd be taken out and shot! [Tucker and Reed start fighting]  Captain Archer : Hey! [he breaks them apart, then slams Tucker against the wall.]  Captain Archer : I don't care what colour the headrest is, or whether it can serve me ice-tea! I just want to sit when I'm on duty! [releases Tucker, then slams Reed against the wall.]  Captain Archer : And if I hear that alarm one more time, I may have *you* taken out and shot! [releases Reed, then turns to T'Pol.]  Captain Archer : Unless there's a *real* emergency, like a reactor breach, I don't want to be disturbed!

[Malcolm has just awoken from a fantasy about T'Pol]  Lt. Reed : What's that? Commander Tucker : I got the receiver working but the transmitter's a lost cause. Who's Stinky? Lt. Reed : I beg your pardon? Commander Tucker : You were talking in your sleep. Kept calling for some guy named Stinky.

[they are on an alien vessel which is blowing up all around them]  Commander Tucker : You did all this with just a phase pistol? Lt. Reed : You're good at building things, I'm good at blowing them up.

[about the transporter]  Lt. Reed : I don't think I'm quite ready to have my molecules compressed into a data stream.

Commander Tucker : I'm gonna have to put you up on report. Lt. Reed : I saved your life. Commander Tucker : You disobeyed a direct order. Lt. Reed : If you put that in my file, it will be years before I am up for a pro... [notices Trip is laughing]  Lt. Reed : You're pulling my leg. Commander Tucker : [can't stop laughing]  Malcolm, you're just so easy.

[the Andorian Lieutenant Talas is helping Lt. Reed with fixing Enterprise]  Lieutenant Talas : For what it's worth, Lieutenant, I'm not here to steal your secrets. It would hardly be worth the effort. Lt. Reed : I beg your pardon? Lieutenant Talas : Last time I saw weapons like these was during my early tactical training. Lt. Reed : [sarcastically]  Sorry I wasted your time on our primitive systems. Lieutenant Talas : Not at all. I found it nostalgic. [Reed sneers indignantly]  Lieutenant Talas : Just be careful when you reconnect that to your power grid. You didn't reset the EPS synchroniser. You may singe your eyebrows when you bring it back online.

[about phase pistols]  Lt. Reed : They have two settings: stun and kill... It'd be best not to confuse them.

Lt. Reed : I've also been working on a new alert signal. Tell me what you think. [pushes button, and a highly annoying sound goes off]  Lt. Reed : Or this one? [pushes another button, another irritating sound]  Commander Tucker : [looks highly annoyed, then deactivates sound]  Lt. Reed : Which one do you prefer? Commander Tucker : For what? Lt. Reed : A tactical alert! Commander Tucker : They both sound like a bag full of cats! Lt. Reed : Well, they were designed to get your attention!

Dr. Phlox : Lieutenant? Are you passing through or is there something I can help you with? Lt. Reed : Actually, there is something. Dr. Phlox : Yes? Lt. Reed : I assume I can depend on doctor-patient confidentiality? Dr. Phlox : This wouldn't have anything to do with gastrointestinal distress? Lt. Reed : Is it that obvious? Dr. Phlox : Not at all. There's a notation in your medical file. Something about, er, an unfortunate incident during zero-G training. Lt. Reed : The EV simulator at Lunaport. Or, as Starfleet trainees call it: the Vomitorium.

[Lt. Reed has a bad case of the cold]  Lt. Reed : [sneezes]  We can travel faster than the speed of light. You'd think we could find a cure for the common cold. Dr. Phlox : You should be grateful. A human cold is so mild. I once had a patient with the Kamaraazite flu. He sneezed so violently, he nearly regurgitated his pineal gland.

[Malcolm mentions he is going to reread Ulysses]  Commander Tucker : I'd rather realign every microcircuit on this shuttle than try to read through that baby. Lt. Reed : British schools have a core curriculum. It serves to provide a well-rounded education. Sometimes I think you North Americans read nothing but comic books and those ridiculous science fiction novels. Commander Tucker : I'll have you know that Superman was laced with metaphor. Subtext layered on subtext.

Commander Tucker : You did all that... with a phase pistol? Lt. Reed : You're good at building things. I'm good at blowing them up.

[Upon waking up bound in a basement on Risa]  Commander Tucker : You think this is my fault? Lt. Reed : You were willing to follow two strange aliens into a basement. Commander Tucker : Gorgeous aliens. Don't forget they were gorgeous. Lt. Reed : They were male. Commander Tucker : Not at first.

Lt. Reed : So what is happening between you and Amanda? Commander Tucker : We are just friends. Is everyone on this ship watching us? Lt. Reed : You're hard to miss. Commander Tucker : That's what T'Pol said. Lt. Reed : Is it true that she's giving Amanda neuropressure now? I heard it was damage control from your tender touch. Commander Tucker : T'Pol's just smoothing out some of the rough spots. [very clipped voice]  Commander Tucker : That's all. Lt. Reed : Why were you giving Amanda Cole neuropressure anyway? Commander Tucker : [very defensive]  What's it to you? Lt. Reed : Well, from what I've been told it's a pretty intimate procedure. Sure you're just friends? Commander Tucker : I do it with T'Pol. Are you implying that there is something going on there, as well? Lt. Reed : That's the rumor. Commander Tucker : For the last time, there is nothing going on with any of us. Between any of us. Lt. Reed : Right. Just friends? Commander Tucker : That's right. Lt. Reed : I guess this Vulcan neuropressure isn't that intimate after all. Commander Tucker : Exactly. Lt. Reed : In that case, I've got this nasty little pain... Commander Tucker : [voice very clipped]  Just drop it.

Lt. Reed : What do you think of T'Pol, hmm? Do you think she's pretty? Commander Tucker : T'Pol? Are you serious? Lt. Reed : Well, she is a woman you know. I think she's pretty. Commander Tucker : You've had too much to drink. Lt. Reed : Don't tell me you've never noticed her, you know, in that way. Commander Tucker : Nah, she's a Vulcan. Lt. Reed : I think she's pretty. Commander Tucker : Oh, God. Lt. Reed : You ever noticed her bum? Commander Tucker : What? Lt. Reed : Her bum. She's got an awfully nice bum. Commander Tucker : [toasts]  To Subcommander T'Pol. Lt. Reed : Awfully nice.

Commander Tucker : Where did you put the phase pistols? Lt. Reed : You're going to shoot a bug? Commander Tucker : I'm just going to stun it.

Lt. Reed : All we have left is to reset the emitters. Lieutenant Talas : What's the frequency? Lt. Reed : I'll do it. Lieutenant Talas : You don't trust me. Lt. Reed : No offence, but when it comes to our weapons frequencies, I wouldn't trust my own mother. Lieutenant Talas : Is your mother considered a security risk? Lt. Reed : It's just an expression. Lieutenant Talas : An odd one. My mother's security clearance is higher than mine.