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Martin Payne, Sheneneh Jenkins, Jerome, Edna 'Mama' Payne, Roscoe, King Beef, Bob, Elroy, Various, Voice of Announcer
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : When you're with Pam, read the signs. When you feed bears, they follow ya home!
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Martin : I keep having these nightmares. You ever have them?
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Sheneneh : Oh, my goodness! Somebody get me the witness protection program!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Martin : Cole, the next time you think about getting another place, I don't wanna hear about it. Don't even call me!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
Sheneneh : Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
[At haunted house, a howling sound comes from the background] Martin : That's just Pam, letting us know she's all right.
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Mama Payne : Oh don't play dumb with me, Gina! You know damn well what this is about! You got too much head to be stupid! You didn't even invite me to the wedding! I'm still pissed about that... Thin Thighs!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Mama Payne : Yo' applehead stole my boy! Rev. Love : If I was still living that foul life, I'll get Franklins, but I'm not!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Stan Winters : Umm girl, you got fire and spice. Sheneneh : Oh you said two keywords. You said I have fire and spice. So stay away fo' I burn yo' ass up!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Martin : You know I'm sensitive about my job, you didn't have to go there! Pam : You know I'm sensative about my buck shots, you didn't have to go there! Martin : There's a difference, a good job is hard to come by, but they got Dark & Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Sheneneh : [shouting] Is that your wife, or is your dog walking backwards?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
[Gary Coleman guest stars as "Maddog"] Maddog : Let me tell you, I'm gonna start making money the right way. I'm a florist now. Martin : What'chu talkin' 'bout, Maddog?
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
Martin : Pam, is that your breath smellin' like boiled bologna? Pam : No, that's yo' feet eatin' through those shoes again.
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
[repeated line] Martin : WAZZUP!
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Martin : Bruh-Man! it's 3 in the morning! What are you doin' up in here?
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Gina : Struck by lightning, stay away from me! Martin : The Lord know I just be playin' around!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Mama Payne : Every move you make, every breath [sniffs] Mama Payne : you take... I'll be watching you!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
Martin : Cole! No! You are NOT cuttin' yo' crusty-ass toenails up in here!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
[repeated line] Martin : Get to steppin'! Step!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : [about Cole's lousy new apartment] Cole, c'mon now! This place is so small, that you gotta go outside to change your mind!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
Martin : Cole, I got four words to say to you - Un, em, ploy, ment!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
[repeated line] Jerome : [singing] Uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! I say Jerome's in da house! I say Jerome's in da hou-oo-ah-oo - In da house!
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Martin : Pam, do you prefer to be called "Ms." or "Mr."? Pam : Do you prefer "Jack" or "Ass"?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
Sheneneh : Kid, can you kiss me like you did that light-skinned girl in House Party?
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
[Two midgets want Tommy to step outside with them] Martin : [ready to rumble] Tommy, you all right? Want me to come with you? Tommy : Martin, c'mon now! I can handle this on my own. I mean, what they gonna do? Untie my shoes? [laughs hysterically]
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French!
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl.
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : [repeated line; to Tommy] You ain't GOT no job, man!
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Brother Man, whatcha doin' here, man? Brother Man : Nothin'... [pause] Brother Man : ...just chillin'.
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Martin : Pam, your hair is so nappy Wilson couldn't pick it!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Valentino : I told you, you could super-size it! Sheneneh : I told you!... I'm a lady, and you don't disrespect no lady! You better watch your back! Valentino : Sheneneh, I can't buy nothin' with $5! Sheneneh : You can buy a one-way ticket to get the hell outta my face!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother!
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, all right. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'.
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin : Damn it, Tommy! We don't need umbilical cords! This is TV!
Martin Payne, Sheneneh Jenkins, Jerome, Edna 'Mama' Payne, Roscoe, King Beef, Bob, Elroy, Various, Voice of Announcer
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