Character Meg Griffin, Bank Teller, Elizabeth, Mary Ellen, Meg Griffin as Donkey, Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug, Megan Peterson, Popular Kid #1, Prostitute

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Meg Griffin, Bank Teller, Elizabeth, Mary Ellen, Meg Griffin as Donkey, Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug, Megan Peterson, Popular Kid #1, Prostitute

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Glen Quagmire : Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet? Meg Griffin : No. Glen Quagmire : [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?

Meg Griffin : But I thought being Gay wasn't a choice? New Friend : Well, not for boys!

Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed. Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race. Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me... Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper. Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged. Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army. Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.

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Meg Griffin : Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez. Chris Griffin : That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

Meg Griffin : [Her sleeping pills have been switched for Alka-Seltzers] People are gonna miss me when I'm BUUUUUURP!

Lois Griffin : [on Meg's shoulders] Just a little higher, honey. Meg Griffin : Mom, I don't think I can... [sinks] Girl : Who's holding Lois? Boy : Some guy named Mel.

Meg Griffin : How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight. Lois Griffin : Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. Stewie Griffin : Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.

Meg Griffin : Can I be in the play, Mom? Stewie Griffin : Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Meg Griffin : Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin? Lois Griffin : Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.

Meg Griffin : Can you please teach me how to drive? Brian Griffin : Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter. Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Brian Griffin : Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest. [flashback] Roadrunner : Meep Meep. [Peter's car runs over him] Brian Griffin : Oh my God. Did I just hit t...

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Meg Griffin : Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there! Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.

Meg Griffin : Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Peter Griffin : Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

Peter Griffin : We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party. Meg Griffin : But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time. Lois Griffin : Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic. [Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodas...

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Meg Griffin : Mom! Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples! Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off! Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall! Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place. Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV. [leaves angrily] Meg Griffin : I quit!

Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death : Well, that would just leave England.

Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is! [he leaves] Meg : Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?

Meg Griffin : Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it! Chris Griffin : I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!

Brian Griffin : I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Meg Griffin : Mom! Lois Griffin : Now honey, your face smells fine.

[Meg enters the house crying] Meg : I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse! [Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall] Peter : What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...

Meg Griffin : I made flag girl! Stewie Griffin : Oh, you made flag girl. Great. [pause] Stewie Griffin : Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg? Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter... [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing] Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!

Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans! Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!

Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess? Meg Griffin : Is it kitty? Chris Griffin : Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad. Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad. Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore. Chris Griffin : OH. Meg Griffin : Yipes.

Meg Griffin : Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls. Peter Griffin : Do it again! Do it again! [Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached] Big Bird : Yeah? Well, what'd you want? Meg Griffin : Uh... Big Bird : You called me, right? Meg Griffin : Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you. [laughs nervously] Big Bird : Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh? Peter Griffin : Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here. Big Bird : I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke, [spits] Big Bird : bitch.

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Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death : Well that would just leave England.

Meg Griffin : I want to be a vet when I grow up. Peter Griffin : Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.

Meg Griffin : [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me? Peter Griffin : Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B. [Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H] Peter Griffin : [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on! Brian Griffin : I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over ...

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Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body. Chris Griffin : [shouts] Don't censor me!

Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church. Meg, Chris : MOM! Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize. Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww... Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie. Meg Griffin : Oh, come on. Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

Meg Griffin : Somebody's in the closet! Jeff Foxworthy : You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it. Stewie Griffin : You suck!

Cleveland : You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom. Meg Griffin : I guess that's OK. When did he die? [opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed] Cleveland : We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.

Meg Griffin : Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet. [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down] Peter Griffin : Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

Meg Griffin : Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez Chris Griffin : That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!

Meg Griffin : I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic. Peter : Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face] Meg Griffin : Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! Chris Griffin : What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?

Lois Griffin : Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week? Meg Griffin : It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha... Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager? Lois Griffin : Peter, she's sixteen. Peter Griffin : You KNEW about this?

Chris Griffin : You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy! Meg Griffin : The frisbee's already been invented. Chris Griffin : Then how come I've never heard of it?

Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on. Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib. Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.

Chris Griffin : See, my dad's smarter than yours. Meg Griffin : We have the same dad, lardo. Chris Griffin : Yeah, but mine's smarter.

Meg Griffin : Guess what I am. Stewie Griffin : Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?

Stewie Griffin : Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. Lois Griffin : Meg, can you change Stewie? Meg Griffin : Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.