[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]  Mort : Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry. Frank Reynolds : Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink. [Mac and Charlie raise their hands]  Dennis Reynolds : Okay... Charlie Kelly : Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I? Dee Reynolds : [raises hand]  I have a... Charlie Kelly : Who's that? Frank Reynolds : He's the mortician. I invited him.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]  Mac : Absolutely. Charlie Kelly : Absolutely. Dennis Reynolds : Absolutely.

Mac : Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife? Charlie Kelly : I suppose you have a problem with that, too? Frank Reynolds : Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Charlie Kelly : Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.

Charlie Kelly : Mac, can an asshole rip in half? Mac : Like tissue paper.

Charlie Kelly : Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean? Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean. Charlie Kelly : What's on the other side of it there? Frank Reynolds : Europe. Charlie Kelly : Now, how long would it take... Dennis Reynolds : Do not try and swim to Europe. Charlie Kelly : *Don't* swim to Europe... Frank Reynolds : Do not.

Charlie Kelly : So what, you want a maid? Frank Reynolds : That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Dennis Reynolds : Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man? Charlie Kelly : Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?

Charlie Kelly : So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world? Dennis Reynolds : Mmm, tacos. Charlie Kelly : Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean? Dennis Reynolds : Okay! Charlie Kelly : She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping. Dennis Reynolds : Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle. Charlie Kelly : She's the ground meat in the middle!

Charlie Kelly : You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too. Dennis Reynolds : She didn't do that great of a job. Charlie Kelly : I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Charlie Kelly : When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank? Dennis Reynolds : Uhh. What's-what's that? Charlie Kelly : Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?

Charlie Kelly : GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Mac : [about M. Night Shyamalan]  He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience. Charlie Kelly : Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Jackie : What is it that you do again? Charlie Kelly : I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

Charlie Kelly : But I am who I am. Mac : Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.

College Student : [dissecting poop]  Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. Dennis Reynolds : All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? Charlie Kelly : It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry. Dennis Reynolds : Really? Charlie Kelly : Yeah. What else? What else? College Student : This appears to be a piece of a credit card. Frank Reynolds : Inconclusive. Dennis Reynolds : How is that not specific to one of you? Charlie Kelly : I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive. College Student : Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor. Charlie Kelly : Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else? College Student : Is this wolf hair? Frank Reynolds : Also inconclusive. Dennis Reynolds : Jesus Christ!

Charlie Kelly : What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.

Charlie Kelly : Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.

Dennis Reynolds : Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be? Charlie Kelly : Oh, milk steak. Dennis Reynolds : Hm, what? Charlie Kelly : Milk steak. Dennis Reynolds : I'm not putting milk steak! Mac : Just put steak. Just put regular steak. Dennis Reynolds : I'm gonna put steak. Charlie Kelly : Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is. Dennis Reynolds : No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby? Charlie Kelly : Uh, magnets. Dennis Reynolds : Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets? Mac : Playing with magnets? Charlie Kelly : Just magnets. Dennis Reynolds : I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes? Charlie Kelly : Uh, ghouls. Mac : Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now? Charlie Kelly : You know, funny little green ghouls. Dennis Reynolds : What, like in movies? In cartoons? Charlie Kelly : Little green ghouls, buddy! Mac : Don't write ghouls! Dennis Reynolds : I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes? Charlie Kelly : People's knees. Dennis Reynolds : Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you. Mac : Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up. Charlie Kelly : Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Dennis Reynolds : How much cheese have you eaten today? Charlie Kelly : How much cheese is too much cheese? Dennis Reynolds : Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese! Charlie Kelly : I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese. Mac : You had a block of cheese? Charlie Kelly : I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese. Mac : [annoyed and confused]  Does that calm you down?

Charlie Kelly : Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?