[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]  Mort : Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry. Frank Reynolds : Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink. [Mac and Charlie raise their hands]  Dennis Reynolds : Okay... Charlie Kelly : Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I? Dee Reynolds : [raises hand]  I have a... Charlie Kelly : Who's that? Frank Reynolds : He's the mortician. I invited him.

Frank Reynolds : [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant]  I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!

Mac : Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife? Charlie Kelly : I suppose you have a problem with that, too? Frank Reynolds : Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Frank Reynolds : We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids." Mac : There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Charlie Kelly : Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean? Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean. Charlie Kelly : What's on the other side of it there? Frank Reynolds : Europe. Charlie Kelly : Now, how long would it take... Dennis Reynolds : Do not try and swim to Europe. Charlie Kelly : *Don't* swim to Europe... Frank Reynolds : Do not.

Charlie Kelly : So what, you want a maid? Frank Reynolds : That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Frank Reynolds : I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.

Frank Reynolds : [singing]  You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Dennis Reynolds : Charlie can't read. Frank Reynolds : He'll adapt. Dennis Reynolds : He'll adapt to reading?

Mac : I think you should bang Gail the Snail. Frank Reynolds : My neice? Mac : Yeah. Frank Reynolds : Gail the Snail? Mac : Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.

College Student : [dissecting poop]  Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. Dennis Reynolds : All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? Charlie Kelly : It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry. Dennis Reynolds : Really? Charlie Kelly : Yeah. What else? What else? College Student : This appears to be a piece of a credit card. Frank Reynolds : Inconclusive. Dennis Reynolds : How is that not specific to one of you? Charlie Kelly : I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive. College Student : Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor. Charlie Kelly : Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else? College Student : Is this wolf hair? Frank Reynolds : Also inconclusive. Dennis Reynolds : Jesus Christ!

Mac : I have an idea. Frank Reynolds : [turns in fear]  Where did you come from? Mac : Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.