Winston Bishop : Why are you standing like that? Jess : I always stand like this. Winston Bishop : I've never seen you stand like that.

Jess : [high on her medication]  You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.

Nick Miller : [Nick walks in to see Jess packing kitchen appliances into a garbage bag]  Whoa, whoa, Jess! What are you doing? That's my ketchup collection. Jess : This fertility website says I need to get rid of anything with toxins. Nick Miller : Did you put the microwave in the trash? Jess : Yes. Nick Miller : Why would you do that? Jess : Microwaves zap things! [they argue]  Nick Miller : It's what makes burritos delicious! Jess : You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick? Nick Miller : You're puttin' me in a tough spot.

Nick Miller : Jess, are you okay? Jess : No! This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!

Jess : Schmidt! Hey! My best friend? You Long Island street trash! Schmidt : Dammit, Nick! You told her? Jess : No he didn't tell me! I-I happened upon it! Schmidt : Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square? Nick Miller : Jess, I swear I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty. Jess : Put your freaking visor down. [turns to Schmidt]  Jess : Now you will tell Cece or I will, you... you crumb bum! Schmidt : Jess... Jess : You crumb bum! Schmidt : Yes, well said.

Nick Miller : Jess has absolutely lost her mind. Jess : I have not lost my mind! I'm just scared. Nick Miller : Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love and then before you know it you're gonna [makes popping sounds]  Jess : With who, Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent? Schmidt : I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess - I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms. Winston Bishop : No. It should be me, Jess. Jess : [baffled]  What? Winston Bishop : With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen. Schmidt : He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants. Jess : To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that's been said. Nick Miller : Good. 'Cause it's definitely not me. Jess : Cause it's definitely not you. Nick Miller : I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.

Jess : A no-nail oath? You thought I was gonna sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it? Nick Miller : It was me, Jess. I couldn't help it.

Nick Miller : [doing an exercise at the Indian convention]  Jess, you liked kissing me. It's fine to say that. Jess : No, I didn't. Nick Miller : I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; it was a nice kiss. Jess : You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog... milk! Nick Miller : It was like a damn fairytale, that kiss! It was the kiss of your life! Jess : Are you serious, Nick? Nick Miller : And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed. Jess : Tarting around? Nick Miller : I'm a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip. Anu : And we have a winning couple! Jess , Nick Miller : We are not a couple!

Jess : Nick kissed me! Cece : What! Jess : I've got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed *me*; I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say? Cece : I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour. Jess : And now he won't even talk to me! 'Cause I saw him this morning and he just panicked moon-walked away from me. Cece : He what? Jess : He does that sometimes. And then... Ha! Nick just... He just... He just... Cece : Kisses you. Jess : Stupid Nick Miller! Cece : How was it? Was it...? Jess : I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress. Cece : Yeah, but *how* did he do it? Jess : He just, like, grabbed me. And he just took me. I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. It was firm, but tender. Cece : Damn. Jess : Yeah I saw through space and time for a minute but that's not the point!

Jess : [to Nick]  I brought something from school that reminds me of you. [pulls out a stick]  Jess : It's a feeling stick. Whoever is holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um, I feel like I want to know what you're feeling. Nick Miller : [walks over and breaks the stick]  Jess : Believe it or not, that is not the first time someone has broken my feeling stick. [pulls out another stick]  Jess : I have a travel size.

Nick Miller : You're a freaking gold digger, Jess! Jess : Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!