Oliver : [stuck on the roof in the middle of a rain storm]  We'll slide down the drain pipe, put our clothes on in the garage and go to a hotel. Stan : You can do what you like but I'm going home. Oliver : What are you gonna tell Betty? Stan : I'm gonna tell her everything. Oliver : So you're turning yellow. Stan : Huh? Oliver : You're yellow. Stan : [looks himself over and sees nothing to indicate a different color]  Must be the lightning. Oliver : You little double-crosser. If you go downstairs and spill the beans, I'll tell Betty I caught you smoking a cigarette. Stan : Alright, go ahead and tell her. What do you think... would you tell her that? Oliver : I certainly would. Stan : [nervous]  Would you? Oliver : I would. Stan : [after a pause]  You know what we'll do? Oliver : What? Stan : We'll climb down the garage, and we'll change our clothes in the drain pipe, then we'll go to a hotel and we'll be just as comfortable as two peas in a 'PAW-DUH.'

Lottie : Well then how did you get here? Oliver : Why, eh... Stan : Oh, we ship-hiked! Oliver : That's right! We - ship-hiked! Lottie : Ship-hiked? Oliver : Yes! We thumbed our way. Lottie : What do you mean? Thumbed your way? Oliver : Well, Stan and I'd be swimming along, we'd see a boat coming our way, we'd go like that [thumbs up]  Oliver : and they'd pick us up. Wouldn't they Stanley? Stan : Yeah. Of course, that's if they were going our way, mind you. Oliver : Oh, why, certainly.

Lottie : Tell us all about it! Betty : Please do. Oliver : All right. All right. We were sailing along in clear weather when all of the sudden a terrible storm came up! Didn't it Stanley? Stan : Yeah, and then we floundered in the typhoid. Oliver : Not typhoid. He means typhoon, Sugar. Then the ship started to shake and we both dived overboard! Didn't we Stanley? Stan : Yeah, just as the boat was going down for the third time. Oliver : And here we are.

Lottie : You're not going. Oliver : What do you mean I'm not going? Lottie : Just that! You're not going to the convention. You're going to the mountains with me! Stan : But, he can't go to the mountains. You see, he took an oath. And the Exhausted Ruler said that... Lottie : Now, listen dodo, you keep out of this! Oliver : Wait a minute, Sugar. There's no use getting excited. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Stan : Certainly, life isn't short enough. Lottie : Are you going? Stan : Eh? Lottie : I said, are you going? Oliver : Yes, Sugar - eh, Mrs. Hardy. Lottie : Who said so? Stan : Him. [points to Oliver] 

Oliver : Well, what's new Sugar? Lottie : Oh, nothing much. What's new with you? Oliver : Oh, nothing to speak of. Stan : Yes there is. You didn't tell her about going to the convention. Lottie : What convention? Oliver : That's right. [Gritting his teeth to Stan]  Oliver : I'm glad you reminded me.

Exalted Exhausted Ruler : Place yourselves in position to receive the oath. Do you all solemnly swear to be present at our 87th annual convention at Chicago? Oliver , Sons of the Desert - California Oasis : I do. Stan : Me too. Exalted Exhausted Ruler : Whole heartedly unanimous. Exalted Exhausted Ruler , Stan , Oliver , Sons of the Desert - California Oasis : [singing]  We are the Sons of the Desert, Having the time of our lives, Marching along, two thousand strong , Far from our sweethearts and wives, God bless them, Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching, And dancing to this melody, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Sons of the desert are we!

Oliver : Never mind what she said. What did Betty say? Stan : Honesty is the best politics.

Oliver : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Stan : Jack who?

Betty : Stanley, is Oliver telling the truth? Oliver : Go ahead and tell her. [He mimes smoking a cigarette]  Betty : Is he? Stan : [cries]  No, we didn't go to Honolulu, we went to the convention... [cries overtake his dialog... Oliver stares at the camera] 

Dr. Horace Meddick : What seems to be the trouble? Stan : I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown.

Stan : If you don't be careful, she's going to get the upper hand of you.

Stan : I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things around. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. You know, if my ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared to raise a... Do you know what I'd say? Oliver : What? Stan : I'd say... [Sees Betty]  Stan : Hello, honey. I... [Double takes]  Stan : Well, you think it over. I'll see you in the morning. [Stan leaves with Betty] 

Oliver : Why didn't you want to take the oath? Stan : I was afraid. Oliver : Afraid of what? Stan : Well I was afraid if I took the oath, that maybe my wife wouldn't let me go... Oliver : Of course she'll let you go. Why, she'll have to let you go! You took an oath! Stan : I know. That's what I'm worrying about. The Exhausted Ruler said that if... you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years and my wife would let... Oliver : Do you have to ask your wife everything? Stan : Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do. Oliver : I never realized such a deplorable condition existed in your home. Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.

Oliver : You'd better take my temperature. [pointing]  Oliver : Get that thermometer. Stan : The what? Oliver : Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf. [groaning]  Oliver : Ooh... ooh... ooh. Oliver : [as Stan puts it in his mouth]  Uh-um. Oliver : [after Stan has taken his pulse]  What does it say? Stan : Wet and windy.

[last lines]  Stan : [sings]  Hololulu baby, won't you close those eyes. [a pot is hurled at his head] 

Oliver : Do you have to ask your wife everything? Stan : If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Lottie : Have you anything else to say? Oliver : Why no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley? Stan : No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.

Oliver : I wonder where she is? Stan : Maybe she went out. Oliver : I know she went out! But, what I'd like to know is where did she went? Stan : Maybe she went to the mountains with Betty. Oliver : That's probably just where she is. She makes me sick! She knew we were coming home today. Why did she have to go to the mountains for? Stan : Well, if she didn't go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here. Oliver : What has Mohammad got to do with my wife?

Oliver : To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning. Stan : What time? Oliver : Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.

Oliver : Now isn't this nice? Stan : It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot. Oliver : Not pot. Poddd. Poddd. Stan : Poddd.

Oliver : Now why did you hire a veterinarian? Stan : I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

Stan : I've certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie. Oliver : For what? Stan : Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma. [Ollie looks at the camera, unamused]  Stan : Then, on the other hand... Oliver : Get in bed. Stan : What? Oliver : Get in bed. "Meticulous." Hmph.