Dopinder : Oh, I shit my pants. Deadpool : Actually, that may have been me.

[after Dopinder kills the headmaster by running him over with his taxi]  Dopinder : [intensely]  I want some more. Deadpool : I bet you do, Brown Panther.

Dopinder : I could be of great use. Wade Wilson : What's your superpower? Dopinder : [thinks, then smiles]  Courage. Wade Wilson : That's adorable. Weasel : Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the DISPENSER? Dopinder : [quietly]  Yes.

Deadpool : And that's why "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" is pure pornography. Dopinder : Wow! Domino : I really should have stayed in college...

Dopinder : You're my Tom Cruise! Deadpool : And you're my Kristen Dunst! [to himself]  Deadpool : Kristen? Kirsten?

Dopinder : I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool sir. Deadpool : Dopinder, you never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home, a place... Dopinder : I want to become a contract killer. Deadpool : I'm sorry, what did you say? Dopinder : Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence? Deadpool : Yeah, you kinda killed him. Dopinder : And remember the movie "Interview with the Vampire?" Deadpool : Don't want to. Dopinder : When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. And she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. Deadpool : ...I'll never *not* picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.

[after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]  Weasel : Why wouldn't you cover that up? Wade Wilson : A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. Weasel : Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style? Wade Wilson : Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. Blind Al : The hell's happening? Describe it. Wade Wilson : I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you. Weasel : It's like, um... Wade Wilson : Here we go. Weasel : It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done." Wade Wilson : [to Blind Al]  Happy? Weasel : It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a... [Dopinder comes in]  Dopinder : AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again. Weasel : This has happened before? [Dopinder starts gagging]  Weasel : Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me. Blind Al : Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Deadpool : Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh... Peter : No. I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad. I thought it looked fun. Deadpool : ...You're in. Dopinder : [in the background, throws a box of supplies]  FUCK!

Deadpool : You know what we need to do? We need to build a fucking team. We need 'em tough, morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10-12 years. Dopinder : My body is an instrument of death. Deadpool : Not now, Dopinder.