Domino , Weasel : I only do over the pants mouth stuff!

Weasel : [to Wade]  Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it'd become gangrenous. They should've just amputated it, why shit in it? Doesn't make any sense.

Dopinder : I could be of great use. Wade Wilson : What's your superpower? Dopinder : [thinks, then smiles]  Courage. Wade Wilson : That's adorable. Weasel : Do you have the courage to check and see if there are enough sanitary napkins in the DISPENSER? Dopinder : [quietly]  Yes.

Zeitgeist : I'm Zeitgeist. Deadpool : Cool. I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the... pulse of society? Zeitgeist : No... No, I spit acidic vomit. Deadpool : Oh. Zeitgeist : You want me to demonstrate? Deadpool : No, thank you. Weasel : We'll take your word for it. Deadpool : Yeah, listen, we've all eaten at Arby's. Okay?

Weasel : Meet Bedlam. Deadpool : Cool name. Superpowers? Bedlam : I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain, causing anxiety, confusion, pain. Deadpool : So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.

Wade Wilson : George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie. Weasel : Yeah, we still... [looks over at Dopinder, he nods and winks at him]  Weasel : ... have Bowie.

[talking about Deadpool 2]  Wade Wilson : It lives up to the hype, *plus plus.* Weasel : Fuck it. They probably won't even make a 3. Wade Wilson : Yeah, why would they? Stop at 2, ya killed it! [they both laugh] 

[after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]  Weasel : Why wouldn't you cover that up? Wade Wilson : A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. Weasel : Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style? Wade Wilson : Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. Blind Al : The hell's happening? Describe it. Wade Wilson : I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you. Weasel : It's like, um... Wade Wilson : Here we go. Weasel : It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done." Wade Wilson : [to Blind Al]  Happy? Weasel : It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a... [Dopinder comes in]  Dopinder : AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again. Weasel : This has happened before? [Dopinder starts gagging]  Weasel : Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me. Blind Al : Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Wade Wilson : I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water. Weasel : An ocean is water.

Weasel : And last but not least... Peter. Deadpool : Any power you wanna tell us about. Peter : I don't... I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad. Deadpool : You're in.

Cable : I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. Weasel : It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! The difference is night and day.