Character Himself - Team Captain, Himself, Himself - Guest Presenter

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Himself - Team Captain, Himself, Himself - Guest Presenter

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Paul Merton : What's this song by Chris de Burgh about, "Spanish Train"? Angus Deayton : It's about a journey on a train through Spain. Paul Merton : And did he rhyme the words Spain and Train? Angus Deayton : No, he missed that particular trick.

Evan Davies : Who goes out and just buys bacon on its own? Angus Deayton : [gesture] What, individual rashers? Evan Davies : He just had a packet of bacon! Don't you normally buy something with your bacon? Paul Merton : Exactly. What sort of Maniac is he? Bacon? If I was working at a Supermarket I'd say "Get out of here! You're a Psychotic! Get out!" I wouldn't serve him! Angus Deayton : Yeah. Paul Merton : Get a bag of crisps or something, not just bacon! It turns my stomach when people do that. Really annoying. There's a bloke down my way he just goes in and buys bacon and I say "I know all about you, mate! You Solitary Bacon Buyer!" we shout out. Somebody like that shouldn't be in Government.

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Moth : [flies under Ian's nose and over to Paul] Paul Merton : I told you to wait in the Van! Ian Hislop : Don't scoff, he's a Guest tonight but next week he'll be Hosting!

Paul Merton : Is there a Giant Intergalactic Space Cat that the Government's not telling us about?

Michael Aspel : Paul, what is the point of it all? Paul Merton : None!

Jo Brand : What did David Cameron say he was going to do when he met King Abdullah? Ian Hislop : That he was going to "Bring Up" a number of Human Rights Abuses. Jo Brand : I hope he did. Ian Hislop : Well, we'll never know, will we? Unless David Cameron is found without a head. Jo Brand : I'd still shag him. Paul Merton : Even without a head? Jo Brand : Preferably without a head. Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless corpse, is that it? Andy Hamilton : That is setting the Bar quite Low, isn't it? Jo Brand : It's the sad reality of being a Fat Bird. Ian Hislop : I thought they were all shot by Prince Harry!

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Paul Merton : Mugabe is a Yorkshireman in reverse. Because his name is Ee by gum backwards. 37 years waiting for that laugh...

Gary Lineker : Sightings of a Werewolf in Hull are attributed to the mythical story of Old Stinker. Ross Noble : A great film though! American Werewolf in Hull! Paul Merton : "What have you done to yer waistcoat! It's all ripped down the back, Arnold! I don't know, every time there's a full Moon I have to buy you a new Jacket!"

Paul Merton : [to audience] You've adopted the Character of a Northern Housewife!

Guest : The best piece of Graffiti I ever saw was in Soho. It said "ALL GAYS ARE GAY!" What? Paul Merton : Get out of that one!

Ian Hislop : [Maypole Dancing] I mean it is, I know, Patriarchal Phallocentric nonsense... Paul Merton : But you could say the same about the FA Cup Final!

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Guess how many Cockroaches are in the Picture! This is a Blank Autocue! Paul Merton : For a minute there you had to survive on raw talent! Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Ah. Oh, perish the thought. The Final Scores...

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What is Mark Clark doing, what's his Official Role? Ian Hislop : He organised these road trips. Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's right. Ian Hislop : Of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory Party. Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Exactly Ian Hislop : The thing about Young Tory Politics is it's so low level. It's literally young men going, "You will Never Work on the Back Desk of the Assistant Conservative Research Department ever again!" And they all go "WOOO! NO!" Paul Merton : Do they go very camp, too?

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Paul Merton : Is the woman standing in front of him saying "Will you please stop pumping air up my sleeve?"? She doesn't know what he's doing it with but she knows it's happening. Sara Pascoe : If she's just got a really, really, fatter lower arm you're going to feel awful! Paul Merton : Is her Dad Popeye? She got an Anchor on there? Is her Dad Popeye? It'll...

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Paul Merton : That's not right! That's like a Dog-Chicken thing!

Boris Johnson : Do what pose a health risk to your rabbit? Paul Merton : Ovens! Clive Anderson : Mixamatosis-flavoured cigarettes?

Paul Merton : Anne Widdecombe is the Odd One Out because she's the only one holding a Decapitated Barn Owl.

Kathy Burke : Shall we have a quick game of Avocado or Testicle? Paul Merton : NO!

Paul Merton : The Russian Version of Winnie the Pooh? How did this happen?

David Mitchell : So who else has been the subject of a Petition this week? Guest : The strangely named Tyson Fury, who believes that homosexuals are pedophiles and women are better to be in the kitchen. Andy Hamilton : For a boxer he's not strangely named! He's name after that well known wife beater Mike Tyson. Don't broadcast that, he might be watching. Guest : He was up for Sports Personality of the Year, now was he ever going to win, that's the thing. David Mitchell : Over 100,000 people signed a Petition asking he be removed from the shortlist. Ian Hislop : It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like: Just Ban it! You could argue against it, or point out it's wrong or listen to it, but no, just Ban it! Andy Hamilton : He is a boxer, he gets hit in the head for a living! I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation... don't broadcast this either! David Mitchell : What did he actually say, Fury? Andy Hamilton : Homosexuals and Pedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the End of the World. So he's put a kind of deadline on it. And he said women belong in the kitchen or on their backs. Paul Merton : That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it? Andy Hamilton : It does! Paul Merton : One of those low level ovens I suppose. I mean, she'd have to be up for it... David Mitchell : Fury said there are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil Comes Home: one is homosexuality being legal, one is abortion, the other is pedophilia. Quite a dark remark, isn't it? Andy Hamilton : Although he is rather positive about it, there are ONLY three, he says. David Mitchell : I didn't realise that the Devil lived here! Paul Merton : He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

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Paul Merton : Why is my arse on fire? Because I'm wearing a blazer!

Host : Anne Widdecome's clean, she's done no fiddling at all! [audience laughs] Reginald D. Hunter : Looks like someone opened the Innuendo Jar! Paul Merton : Yeah, I wonder who that was, Reg! Reginald D. Hunter : That was not Innuendo! That was full frontal talking about having sex with Mike Tyson! Paul Merton : As you've stated bravely and boldly.

Host : But who would have loved to have been there? Justin O' Schmidt! Paul Merton : Did the vicar drop him at the Baptism?

Host : 70% of Russia is what? Paul Merton : Vodka! Host : Siberia!

Paul Merton : [Putin] Here he is meeting the man with the flattest head in Moscow.

Paul Merton : We did this one last week!

Paul Merton : He doesn't look old enough to have been a Milkman for 50 years! Host : They start them very young there. As soon as you can reach the udder, you're away. Paul Merton : That's not just Milkmen. For many people, that's a good night out!

Paul Merton : You've heard of Sheep gamboling in the meadows, well it was Poker they were playing! Host : They all ran away when they saw Alan Shearer!

Katharine Ryan : [large Teddy Bear story] Who is this aimed at? Paul Merton : Men who want to have sex with Bears? Katharine Ryan : That's very close. Paul Merton : That's close is it? Women who want to have sex with Bears! Bears who want to have sex with Bears! Ian Hislop : That's just Bears, isn't it? Paul Merton : Yes, I suppose that is just Bears.

Paul Merton : This is a woman being inflated on the beach! Guest : This is the woman they thought was a Russian Spy but turned out to just be a Russian. Paul Merton : She was at the Canteen going "The Sausages are Cold for this time of year" and it sounded like secret messages.

Paul Merton : I haven't seen you this animated since you thought an Elephant was a reptile.

Ian Hislop : Boris is innocent he's not on the list that you haven't seen and nor have I! Paul Merton : How do you know he's not on the list if you haven't seen it? Ian Hislop : Damn you Merton! Paul Merton : No further questions, M'Lud!

Paul Merton : You'll never carve another Avocado again! Grim words to hear on a Friday night... Ian Hislop : At last, we've got a proper Liberal Metropolitan Story! Guest : That guy from Doncaster's turned off hasn't he! Ian Hislop : Exactly! Guest : "Ah, the poofs are talking about fruit!"

Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can". Paul Merton : Was he allowed to use crampons?

Host : In other Food News... Paul Merton : That wasn't Food News, that was Bonkers Time!

Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano. Paul Merton : Not a fan of jazz, then, is he?

Tom Baker : I find as my sight diminishes I get on better with people. I just got out of an affair with my wife. Paul Merton : If she finds out she'll be furious.

Host : Jeremy Corben asked Theresa May what planet she was on, and within ten minutes that brain of hers came up with the riposte: "My honorable colleague asked me what planet I was on, I know what Planet he's on: Planet Venezuela!" Ian Hislop : The problem with that joke is the Planet that Venezuela is on is Earth. Paul Merton : That's why he's the Editor o...

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Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : And the filthy minded Art Historian says the portrait shows a gunpowder hip pouch clearly in the shape of male genitalia. Andy Hamilton : Let me see that because I think there's something wrong with me. What's that bit? Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's a tassel. Paul Merton : Every Man has a tassel, Andy!...

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Andy Hamilton : I can't see a penis anywhere. Paul Merton : You mean in the painting. I think they nearly ended up as brother and sister and he wasn't very good at faces.

Ian Hislop : It was a Parrot we had in Nigeria, which was where we lived when I was young. And it was a lovely Parrot. It did a certain amount of talking Paul Merton : [Posh Parrot voice] "I'm too good for this place!"

Paul Merton : A World that needs Liam Gillick is a Sad World.

Martin Clunes : According to respectable scientists the 2 billion Large Hadron Collider might be sabotaging itself from the future. Paul Merton : Sabotaging itself from the future? Martin Clunes : Do you know any of the science of how it works?

Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how can I say this, that a woman's physical attributes influences Melon selection. Angus Deayton : I'd hate to say you're right, but... Ian Hislop : What happens with cucumbers? Paul Merton : Can't get mine in the basket! Ian Hislop : Cut them in half don't they?...

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Paul Merton : [Pantomime Cow] The couple were going to get divorced, but decided to stay together for the sake of the Cow.

Ian Hislop : I mean, he contradicts himself midsentence now! He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis and he himself curtsied. And then he gets this Award, the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom or something... Paul Merton : That was an ITV Quiz Show that never got past the Pilot Stage!

Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram? Paul Merton : No. Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. Paul Merton : I don't want to know it. Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you. Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off. [sticks his fingers in his ears] Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this. Ian Hislop : Is this what you were like at school? I can imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn't get any O levels. Paul Merton : CSE. CSE, ungraded. Angus Deayton : Excellent work. Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá... Paul Merton : [interrupting] Da-da-da-da-da-da! Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram... Paul Merton : Da-da da-da! Angus Deayton : ...returned... Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la! Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old.

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The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting. [audience laughs] Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside. The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell. Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they? The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know? Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself! Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

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Paul Merton : [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination] Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?

Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton? Swampy : Is he? Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport. Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he? [laughter] Ian Hislop : He won't resign. Angus Deayton : Who won't? Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign. Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right. Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

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Roy Hattersley : [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him] It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains... Paul Merton : Well, you're here now, anyway.

Robert Peston : Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership. Paul Merton : Is this the most powerful program on TV? We haven't even gone out! There's 300 people here, but that's enough! [Phone gesture] Paul Merton : "They've shown your clip on Have I Got News for you!" Robert Peston : I should call him, actually, there's a typo in his resignation statement. Guest : Does it say why? Ian Hislop : We know why! Peston just called him an Amateur! Guest : Aw, sorry Chukka! Robert Peston : Well. He has just ****** up the rest of the jokes...

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Gary Lineker : [Victorian Pasttimes] Kind of like an Ian Hislop Theme Park. Paul Merton : You must be this tall to ride the Ian Hislop!

Ian Hislop : Have you seen the Pig? Host : The Pig? Have I seen the Pig? Paul Merton : I said to 'em, I said "I'm not going on if I haven't seen the Pig!" Ian Hislop : Pic! This is what happens to my diction around proper actors.

Paul Merton : [Robot Launderette] I am a superior intelligence, but steam! I cannot handle this steam! Mel Giedroyc : You're good at robots, you're enjoying that character, aren't you? Paul Merton : There's a reason for that. Paul Merton : [rips off his face to reveal he is an Android]

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Occupy Protest] They were asked how long they were going to keep it up, and what did they say in reply? Paul Merton : Forever! Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us!

Paul Merton : [wig, Ian won't join in] It's amazing how many people think they've got Dignity to lose, isn't it?

Jacob Rees-Mogg : We know the plan! We are going to leave the EU! Brexit means Brexit! Paul Merton : That's the Aim! What's the plan?

Jo Brand : You said that Nigel Farage should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Leader? Jacob Rees-Mogg : Oh, I think there would be Joy in Heaven if that were to happen! Paul Merton : What about here on Earth?

Host : This is the furore over Yaya Toure... Paul Merton : There's a poem there! Let's get a limerick going... Ian Hislop : There once was a bloke Yaya Toure/ who caused something of a furore/ he wanted a cake/ well what a mistake/ isn't this a boring story? Ross Noble : This is like a Posh Version of 8 Mile!

Paul Merton : Is anyone telling the truth, here? Ian Hislop : They are both members of UKIP.

Hal Cruttenden : [Castro assassination attempt] Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed to find? Ian Hislop : This is turning into a bad episode of Spongebob Squarepants! Paul Merton : THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

Paul Merton : [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans] Have you ever eaten anything with your hands, Ian? Ian Hislop : Yes, I believe I ate... an Apple!

Boris Johnson : Men Women Love Love Women. Paul Merton : NURSE!

Paul Merton : [Sophie Dahl's raunchy Opium Poster] She's trying to get Radio Four.

Ian Hislop : Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen it. Paul Merton : So, the question should really be "Who is Andrew Marr?" Ian Hislop : I have seen it, of course, because I have no life.

Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he wouldn't be scything topless, he'd need a shirt to protect him from the sun. Camilla Long : Also, he'd have to be careful in case he gave himself an unintentional Brazilian! Ian Hislop : An Unintentional Brazilian? Paul Merton : It's a Graham Greene novel!

Paul Merton : [Flooded-out Celebrities] Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't think of many flood stories. Ian Hislop : Gilgamesh! It's not often you get a chance to talk about Gilgamesh on the BBC and I'm going to take it!

Ian Hislop : Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square! Victoria Coren Mitchell : How dare you! Paul Merton : The Pigeons are flying High above Krakow, tonight! See, the fat lady has ordered dinner, but wants no dessert to follow!

Paul Merton : There was that film "Godzilla verses Des Lynam": "Rargh! And here are the football results... Rargh!"

Massive Essex Girl : It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a massive fan of the Dictionary, you know, we should be like promoting the Dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical British thing, isn't it? Ian Hislop : [has hysterics] Paul Merton : Every story ever written's in the Dictionary! Yo...

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David Mitchell : She's a Dog Hypnotist. What will she do for £60? Paul Merton : Take your poodle back to a previous life?

Paul Merton : [Haunted Trousers] I wish I hadn't been so harsh on the goose in red booties! That's the worst piece of film we've been asked to comment on! Are ghosts real or was the window open? What mysterious force moves the washing hung up in the garden?

Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus". Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is. Ian Hislop : It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...

Jo Brand : This is the American Election as it struggles to an unedifying climax. I've had a few of those. Paul Merton : Oh, I'm sorry. Were any of them yours? Jo Brand : Ha!

Clive Anderson : Which Cheese is made backwards? Paul Merton : Edam! Don't boo ME!

Paul Merton : See you next week on Ice My Paunch!

Paul Merton : [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition] I wouldn't like one of them swimmin' up me arse! Ian Hislop : What did you say? You wouldn't like one of them swimming up your arse? Paul Merton : I'll say it again: I wouldn't like one of them to swim up my arse.

Jo Brand : What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of all this? Paul Merton : Every morning I wake up wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks! I have a Tea Towel embroidered! "What does Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he was cultivated in a greenhouse, think about all this?"

Paul Merton : [Zoological Missing Words] Smelling of bear? Germaine Greer : Look how long it is, though! Paul Merton : Smelling of bear, bear, bear, bear, bear?

Paul Merton : [Fish accents] I love you but I can't help but feel we shouldn't be together. You swim in deeper waters than I do...

Ian Hislop : And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers! [Hums "The Imperial March" from Star Wars] Paul Merton : You're having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture...

Martin Clunes : And what did the Think Tank Civitas Think in its Think Tank? Paul Merton : We're going to need a bigger tank?

Paul Merton : [Gay Vicar on Panel] Are you sure you're cut out to be a Vicar? You seem to be fighting something...

Host : Short sighted baker what? Guest : Ices his own paunch? Paul Merton : That's excellent. That's the perfect sentence.

Host : [Missing words] Man who turned his Dead Cat into a Drone... What? Paul Merton : Seeks similar?

Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East? Paul Merton : Oh! This is the teddy bear. Clive Anderson : The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes. Paul Merton : Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not... Will Self : That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC. Clive Anderson : So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this... Paul Merton : Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported. Chris Addison : British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington Paul Merton : Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then. Clive Anderson : No. Chris Addison : Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich. Will Self : Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction". Clive Anderson : Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote? Ian Hislop : She didn't make any mistakes! Will Self : Yeah. Clive Anderson : No. Ian Hislop : She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!" Chris Addison : Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot. Paul Merton : To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages! Chris Addison : "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!" Paul Merton : "The Animal Kingdom is ours!" Ian Hislop : Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi! Chris Addison : In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare. Will Self : Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal! Clive Anderson : British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!

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Ian Hislop : Most cows are called "Buttercup". Paul Merton : That must be very confusing for them!

Jane Moore : [Tony Blair admits to wearing glasses] It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed. Ian Hislop : Was he at the wrong end? Jane Moore : Who can say? Paul Merton : There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course. Angus Deayton : Such as? Paul Merton : Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a...

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Sarah Millican : [Police raid on Parliamentary Office] It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"... Paul Merton : Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different? David Mitchell : They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it. Sarah Millican : You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it. Andy Hamilton : Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print. Paul Merton : You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.

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Paul Merton : What found in Blackpool? Rich Hall : Black Water! Paul Merton : Black Water found in Black Pool! Well done...

Paul Merton : Horse used to make what? Rich Hall : Horseradish! Paul Merton : It's a good answer, but it's not right...

Clive Anderson : Who brushes moths? Paul Merton : What do you mean "Who brushes moths?" Clive Anderson : Well, I'm sure people do brush moths, but I defy you to prove it! Paul Merton : I AM A BRUSHMOTH-ER! I don't even know how to say it...

Paul Merton : [Ian has a sore throat] This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests? Ian Hislop : I'll say anything. Paul Merton : Say "Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?" Ian Hislop : Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?

Boris Johnson : [Drunk Bishop of Southwark] He walked into an arch and became what? Paul Merton : What? Boris Johnson : An Archbishop!

Frankie Boyle : A new Superbreed of Sex-Mad, Sleepless Slugs has arrived from Spain. Paul Merton : Ah, an Alliterative Threat!

Frankie Boyle : Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Environment Research Council's Polar Research Vessel, and the Fossilised Egg of an Elephant Bird. Julia Hartley-Brewer : Well we know about the Polar Vessel because people voted to call it "Boatey McBoatface" in an online poll or "Boring McBoring Face" but the Government decided that was wrong so they're going to call it "The Sir David Attenborough". But that, rather wonderfully, prompted a petition for Sir David Attenborough to change his name to "Sir David McDavidface". Ian Hislop : This is about changing your name? It's not called "Pot Black" anymore? Paul Merton : Every colour is equal! Adil Ray : Is there a link to Sir David Attenborough? Paul Merton : It's because David Attenborough was the controller of BBC 2 back when Pot Black was commissioned in 1969. Because it was a program made for colour TV Adil Ray : Did he discover all these except for... Julia Hartley-Brewer : Boatey McBoatface! Frankie Boyle : Absolutely right. I thought it could have been a lot worse asking the British Public to decide on something. It could have been called "The Harold Shipman".

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Jerry Springer : Randy Bumgardener... Paul Merton : This is your life! Jerry Springer : You may not know this but he is the General Manager of Blairhouse, and that is the US President's Estate Guesthouse. Randy Bumgardner's father was called Delmar Bumgardener. Paul Merton : In an attempt to take the curse off Bumgardner! Jerry Springer : And his mother was ...

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Jerry Springer : Time now for the odd one out round. Ian and Ken, your four are, David Cameron, David Soul, Ken Livingstone and Randy Bumgardener. Ken Livingstone : Who's Randy Bumgardener? Katy Brand : I'm so glad I was here to hear you say that! David Soul wears his glasses like you Jerry! Jerry Springer : Isn't that interesting? Because he played me in the Opera! Ken Livingstone : I've been played in... Jerry Springer : Oh, you've been played! Ken Livingstone : Has Bumgardener, or whatever his name is... Paul Merton : What do you mean "Bumgardener, whatever his name is"? We know his name's Randy Bumgardener! There's no two ways about it! What was his parents thinking of? What was his mother thinking of? "Oh, your name's Bumgardener? I'm going to marry you!" Ken Livingstone : Nobody's done a play or Opera about Cameron so Bumgarden... I'm doing my best! Paul Merton : You're saying Cameron's the odd one out? Ken Livingstone : Very odd.

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Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round] David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot? Paul Merton : Moustache! Godfrey Bloom : Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point! Ian Hislop : Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey? Godfrey Bloom : Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...

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Clive Anderson : What did Tony Blair keep quiet so people wouldn't think he was a nutter? Paul Merton : WMDs? Faith! Clive Anderson : Yes, Tony Blair revealed he kept his Faith quiet and that God often spoke to him at difficult moments. To say "Don't drag me into it, you nutter!" Paul Merton : I just had a religious experience.

Michael Aspel : Yes, there was no real reason to invent the Genetic Supermouse, the Scientists just wanted to see what happened if they did it. Any other pointless science research this week? Paul Merton : Someone's trained a Horse to say "How d'you do?" To confuse people walking through the countryside? Michael Aspel : It's the dog washing machine!

Michael Aspel : This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes, who has received a vote of no confidence from the London Assembly. What was his ballsy response? Paul Merton : If you've got the authority and confidence to sack me, do it, otherwise I'm going home. Michael Aspel : He said it was just a one-off. Ian Hislop : It wasn't for Menezes! Someone said in a bygone age Sir Blair would have been given a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and then would be escorted to his office to quietly do the honorable thing. Knowing him, he'd drink the whiskey and come out with the revolver!

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Reginald D. Hunter : Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform... Ian Hislop : Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"? Paul Merton : No...

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Paul Merton : They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead. Sara Cox : I kind of struggle with History, really. I've got cavemen, Jesus, Henry VIII and then us. Anything in between... Paul Merton : That's basically it, anyway. Ian Hislop : That's certainly the full school syllabus at the moment!

Guy who nearly threw an Egg at Boris : Today was just a protest against the Conservative, the Conservative party, it was nothing to do with Vote Leave or the EU, it's against, it's against, uhm... [trails off into silence] Joe Wilkinson : He makes me look as if I know what I'm talking about! Paul Merton : His ambition got him as far as having an Egg with hi...

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Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we joined the EU. Ian Hislop : Is that the definitive argument? Gyles Brandreth : The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing. Paul Merton : So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers? Gyles Brandreth : I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD! Paul Merton : We're inviting Armageddon, then? Gyles Brandreth : If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful. Ian Hislop : I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides! Gyles Brandreth : I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before. Ian Hislop : You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing? Gyles Brandreth : Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I remember 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or... Ian Hislop : It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words! Gyles Brandreth : I'm just trying to give some substance. Paul Merton : Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!

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Boris Johnson : The Prince likes Pharrell, who is a hip-hop Master Mixer. Sue Perkins : Your shoulders moved when you said Hip-hop! Boris Johnson : They're supposed to, aren't they? Paul Merton : You know they only make you read this out so you look stupid, don't you, Boris? Boris Johnson : Yes, it's a pact of steel...

Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...? Paul Merton : A whistling woman and a crowing hen may not look the same when the rain comes in. It's a weather thing. If a cow lies down it soon will snow, if a squirrel jumps, ho-di-ho. Marcus Brigstocke : I live by that proverb. Paul Merton : You poor devil. Marcus Brigstocke : It's confusing, but, you know... Ian Hislop : They all end ho-di-ho, Medieval proverbs! Can you just repeat it one more time, Sir Trevor, for our amusement? Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...? Ian Hislop : Change their name from Griselda to Ben? Trevor MacDonald : Very good, but not the right answer. A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor Men!

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Paul Merton : Brian, you'd never guess you were an Actor!

Paul Merton : Blank look again, Boris? "I must kill the Prime Minister..."

Paul Merton : Did you study Philosophy, or did you just think you studied Philosophy? Boris Johnson : How would I know?

Paul Merton : I said that, but a bit more fluent. You're whipping me up into a coma, Boris!

Boris Johnson : I meant no plagiarisms. Ian Hislop : I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated! Paul Merton : Nobody could plagiarise you, Boris! There is no-one like you, you are unique!

Boris Johnson : This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon". Ian Hislop : Did you say "Do you know who I am?" Paul Merton : I've got no idea, myself. Boris Johnson : Perhaps he could have told me...

Paul Merton : Whenever Roger Beard puts on his Cucumber Suit, Roger Cucumber puts on his Beard suit.

Keith Vaz MP : This could be good news or it could be like the Pathway Project, where we were promised a new Spanking Hospital... Paul Merton : It's a kind of alternative therapy!

Tub of Lard : [Silent] Angus : And so the answer to your Odd One Out round... Paul Merton : Hold on! He's only just seen it.

Ian Hislop : [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque] Aren't those meant for real people? Paul Merton : Are you suggesting that Mr. Bear...? Ian Hislop : Not for a moment! Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : I love Rupert the Bear stories, especially the one where Bill Badger was gassed.

Ian Hislop : [SAT Tests] All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would pass them so it's all cancelled. Paul Merton : Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they? [groans from the audience] Paul M...

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Michael Aspel : The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?" Paul Merton : What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian? Ian Hislop : "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form. Reginald D. Hunter : When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!

Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot. Jo Brand : That's got nothing to do with the question. Paul Merton : She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!

Kirsty Wark : ["Poor people can't cook" Headline] What did you have for breakfast? Ian Hislop : Oh, no time for Breakfast! Coffee and Cigarettes! Paul Merton : And wild, wild women!

Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won? Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award! Ian Hislop : The Bad Sex Award? Kirsty Wark : Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award! Reginald D. Hunter : I was going to say, you took winning that quite well! Paul Merton : You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?

Damien Lewis : Careful we might be being Bugsed! One off the cuff... Paul Merton : Well it's certainly not one off the script!

Damien Lewis : [President Carter was once chased by a rabbit] Not to forget the most famous rabbit Presidential Assassin: Lee HARVEY Oswald. Paul Merton : That film came out in 1952!

Paul Merton : Well, keep in mind I did Metalwork.

Boris Johnson : Dogs dogged Doug's dogged dog! Paul Merton : Is this what it's like going to University?

Paul Merton : [on hearing that Iain Duncan Smith has another middle name] There's four of him?

Katharine Ryan : [on the news story of a 15 year-old hacker who compromised TalkTalk's customer database] These teenagers! What are their Mothers doing, banging on the wall yelling "You'd better be wanking in there and not bringing down a Large Corporation!"? [laughter and applause] Paul Merton : The two activities are not mutually exclusive.

Ian Hislop : I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW". Paul Merton : A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties? Ian Hislop : Milk. Paul Merton : Where'd you get the mil...

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Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it? Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y. Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world... Paul Merton : I-T? Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T. Sheila Hancock : [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic! Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress! Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

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Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something? Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you. Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours. Angus Deayton : [to the camera] It was around the beginning of the 10th series that th...

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Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him. [clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays] Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty! [audience laughs] Paul Merton : Can I put in a special request in to see that all again? Angus Deayton : Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again. [the clip plays again, everyone laughs again] Paul Merton : Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you? Ian Hislop : It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!

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[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background] Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last. Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants. Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death? [this draws the biggest laugh from the audience] Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off. Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.

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Angus : [mishears something Paul says] Half an hour on a giraffe? Paul Merton : No, not right now I've got to do this. [pause] Paul Merton : I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes Angus : You don't need to tell me. Paul Merton : Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"

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Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers? Paul Merton : Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders. Angus Deayton : Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it. Paul Merton : What does that mean? Ian Hislop : It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's n...

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[answering a question about dogs] Michael Brown : There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right... Paul Merton : Well, we can't compete with this level of research!

Paul Merton : This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes [pronounced "Geeves"] Paul Merton : I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors. David Steel : "Gieves" [pron. "Jeeves"] David Steel : , I think you'll find. Paul Merton : "Gieves"? Is it Gieves? David Steel : Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it? Paul Merton : Does it? How's it spelled? Angus Deayton : G-E-I. [sic] Paul Merton : Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters. Angus Deayton : So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been... Paul Merton : So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S? Angus Deayton : Yeah. Paul Merton : Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...

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Paul Merton : I can see you as Zorro! Ian Hislop : Zorro, the gay blade! Des Lynam : I've never been accused of that - yet!

Angus Deayton : Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags". Paul Merton : That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!

Clive Anderson : Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris? Boris Johnson : Partly, yes. Paul Merton : I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington! Boris Johnson : I think we should get off my, um, my property.

Angus Deayton : [missing headline round] What turns blue in fridge? Paul Merton : Queen Mother!

[discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show] Angus Deayton : It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself. Paul Merton : Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.

Paul Merton : I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.

[at the end of the quiz] Paul Merton : So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!

Paul Merton : [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting] [yells out at random points] Paul Merton : Bank!

Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round] I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel. Paul Merton : Swallow?

Angus Deayton : What was right up Napoleon's street? Paul Merton : Napoleon's house!

[on a question about Pokémon] Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage. [flippantly] Ian Hislop : I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground. Angus Deayton : You're pretty angry about this, aren't you? Ian Hislop : I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever. Paul Merton : You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?

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Sean Lock : Only 2% of people go to church in this country Paul Merton : And they're priests!

Paul Merton : Never a frown with Gordon Brown.

Angus Deayton : And did you chat with the Queen Mother? Paul Merton : We talked about you. Angus Deayton : No, you didn't. Paul Merton : Yes, we did. Angus Deayton : What did she say about me? Paul Merton : I've never heard such language in all my life.

Paul Merton : You've heard of Sheep gamboling in the meadows, well it was Poker they were playing! Host : They all ran away when they saw Alan Shearer!

Paul Merton : I haven't seen you this animated since you thought an Elephant was a reptile.

Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can". Paul Merton : Was he allowed to use crampons?

Host : In other Food News... Paul Merton : That wasn't Food News, that was Bonkers Time!

Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano. Paul Merton : Not a fan of jazz, then, is he?

Tom Baker : I find as my sight diminishes I get on better with people. I just got out of an affair with my wife. Paul Merton : If she finds out she'll be furious.

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Andy Hamilton : I can't see a penis anywhere. Paul Merton : You mean in the painting. I think they nearly ended up as brother and sister and he wasn't very good at faces.

Paul Merton : That's not good, that's like a Dog Chicken thing.