Andy Hamilton : In a World where Umbrellas are Futile...

Jo Brand : David Miliband was out Adopting. Andy Hamilton : I can't get used to these new, Metric Politicians...

Jo Brand : What did David Cameron say he was going to do when he met King Abdullah? Ian Hislop : That he was going to "Bring Up" a number of Human Rights Abuses. Jo Brand : I hope he did. Ian Hislop : Well, we'll never know, will we? Unless David Cameron is found without a head. Jo Brand : I'd still shag him. Paul Merton : Even without a head? Jo Brand : Preferably without a head. Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless corpse, is that it? Andy Hamilton : That is setting the Bar quite Low, isn't it? Jo Brand : It's the sad reality of being a Fat Bird. Ian Hislop : I thought they were all shot by Prince Harry!

David Mitchell : Does Winnie the Pooh have a Vitamin B12 Deficiency? Andy Hamilton : He is rather sluggish, isn't he? Wouldn't he get it from the honey? David Mitchell : Maybe that's why he craves it so. Andy Hamilton : I think Tigger's Bipolar.

Andy Hamilton : [Litvinyenko]  The story's quickly changed from "Russian Agent Murdered on British Soil" to "Was the Restaurant any Good?"

David Mitchell : So who else has been the subject of a Petition this week? Guest : The strangely named Tyson Fury, who believes that homosexuals are pedophiles and women are better to be in the kitchen. Andy Hamilton : For a boxer he's not strangely named! He's name after that well known wife beater Mike Tyson. Don't broadcast that, he might be watching. Guest : He was up for Sports Personality of the Year, now was he ever going to win, that's the thing. David Mitchell : Over 100,000 people signed a Petition asking he be removed from the shortlist. Ian Hislop : It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like: Just Ban it! You could argue against it, or point out it's wrong or listen to it, but no, just Ban it! Andy Hamilton : He is a boxer, he gets hit in the head for a living! I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation... don't broadcast this either! David Mitchell : What did he actually say, Fury? Andy Hamilton : Homosexuals and Pedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the End of the World. So he's put a kind of deadline on it. And he said women belong in the kitchen or on their backs. Paul Merton : That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it? Andy Hamilton : It does! Paul Merton : One of those low level ovens I suppose. I mean, she'd have to be up for it... David Mitchell : Fury said there are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil Comes Home: one is homosexuality being legal, one is abortion, the other is pedophilia. Quite a dark remark, isn't it? Andy Hamilton : Although he is rather positive about it, there are ONLY three, he says. David Mitchell : I didn't realise that the Devil lived here! Paul Merton : He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

Andy Hamilton : I am an Elephant Dentist. I am not someone who performs Dentistry on Elephants, I am an Elephant who is a Dentist.

Andy Hamilton : [Sajid Javid tweet]  He's "literally" a coconut?

Andy Hamilton : I feel sorry for Obama trying to run a Country that has decided that Facts are the work of the Devil.

Andy Hamilton : On the plus side, Trump is the first openly insane man to be voted President. Ian Hislop : He's broken through the Rubber-Padded Ceiling!

Andy Hamilton : I am a Captain and I am a Squid. That is an impressive rank for a Squid to reach.

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : And the filthy minded Art Historian says the portrait shows a gunpowder hip pouch clearly in the shape of male genitalia. Andy Hamilton : Let me see that because I think there's something wrong with me. What's that bit? Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's a tassel. Paul Merton : Every Man has a tassel, Andy! Andy Hamilton : I knew it! I knew I was different...

Andy Hamilton : I can't see a penis anywhere. Paul Merton : You mean in the painting. I think they nearly ended up as brother and sister and he wasn't very good at faces.

Andy Hamilton : It's important research because when the older mice are injected with the younger mice's blood, they act with more cognitive acuity. And this will come in with our treating Alzheimer's. This is a logical extension of everything we've done to the young. We've made it impossible for them to get a job, impossible for them to buy a home, impossible for them to pay for their Education, and now we're going to take their Blood.

Victoria Coren Mitchell : I certainly recognise it as a face! Andy Hamilton : That's the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me...

Andy Hamilton : The guy said the problem was that the computer could not recognise my face... as a face.

Sarah Millican : [Police raid on Parliamentary Office]  It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"... Paul Merton : Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different? David Mitchell : They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it. Sarah Millican : You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it. Andy Hamilton : Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print. Paul Merton : You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.

Andy Hamilton : I feel sorry for Obama trying to run a Country that has decided that Facts are the work of the Devil.

Andy Hamilton : On the plus side, Trump is the first openly insane man to be voted President. Ian Hislop : He's broken through the Rubber-Padded Ceiling!

Andy Hamilton : I am a Captain and I am a Squid. That is an impressive rank for a Squid to reach.

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : And the filthy minded Art Historian says the portrait shows a gunpowder hip pouch clearly in the shape of male genitalia. Andy Hamilton : Let me see that because I think there's something wrong with me. What's that bit? Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's a tassel. Paul Merton : Every Man has a tassel, Andy! Andy Hamilton : I knew it! I knew I was different...

Andy Hamilton : I can't see a penis anywhere. Paul Merton : You mean in the painting. I think they nearly ended up as brother and sister and he wasn't very good at faces.

Andy Hamilton : It's important research because when the older mice are injected with the younger mice's blood, they act with more cognitive acuity. And this will come in with our treating Alzheimer's. This is a logical extension of everything we've done to the young. We've made it impossible for them to get a job, impossible for them to buy a home, impossible for them to pay for their Education, and now we're going to take their Blood.

Victoria Coren Mitchell : I certainly recognise it as a face! Andy Hamilton : That's the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me...

Andy Hamilton : The guy said the problem was that the computer could not recognise my face... as a face.

Sarah Millican : [Police raid on Parliamentary Office]  It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"... Paul Merton : Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different? David Mitchell : They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it. Sarah Millican : You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it. Andy Hamilton : Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print. Paul Merton : You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.