Character Otis B. Driftwood

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Otis B. Driftwood

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Fiorello : [Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo are sitting on a park bench; Fiorello pushes Driftwood off the bench] Now there's room. Otis B. Driftwood : [sarcastically] Well, that's all I needed. I certainly am glad I met you boys. First, you get me kicked out of my job, then you get me thrown out of my hotel, and finally you push me off a park bench. Well, there's one consolation: nothing more can happen to me. Policeman : Hey, get off the grass. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I was wrong. Otis B. Driftwood : [Driftwood tries to drink from a water fountain, only to have the water shrink away at low pressure] People drink too much water, anyhow. I'm certainly glad you came along. The day you boys came into my life, I had a good job and was about to marry a rich widow. Now I can't even sit on the grass. Fiorello : I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's an offer. I tell you, I'd like to think it over for a couple of days. Where can I find you? Fiorello : Don't worry. Wherever you are, you'll find us. Fiorello : I'm sick of that; let's meet somewhere else. Ricardo : [Tomasso whistles when Rosa appears] It's Rosa! Fiorello : Rosa! Otis B. Driftwood : Well, at least I can get my bench back.

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Fiorello : I give this to Riccardo. Herbert Gottlieb : [talking offstage with Mrs. Claypool ] ... sensation in New York. [meets Fiorello] Herbert Gottlieb : Pardon me, could you tell me where Signor Lassparri is? Fiorello : Sure, there's Lassparri, Herbert Gottlieb : Lassparri! Otis B. Driftwood : Lassparri? Then whom did I sign? Fiorello : You signed Riccardo Baroni, that's-a my man. Herbert Gottlieb : [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious] Signor Lassparri, what happened? Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! Herbert Gottlieb : [Tomasso unties a sandbag, which drops on Lassparri's head and knocks him unconscious] Oh, what is this now? Otis B. Driftwood : How early the fruit is falling this season.

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Fiorello : Wait a minute. Before he sings, you gotta sign a contract. And I get 10 percent. Otis B. Driftwood : And I get 10 percent too.

Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's fine. If that steward's deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here.

Otis B. Driftwood : Steward, steward! Stew! Ship's Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : I say, stew. Ship's Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : What have we got for dinner? Ship's Steward : Anything you like, sir. You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice... Otis B. Driftwood : Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted. Now let me have one of each... and uh, two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs. Fiorello : [from inside the cabin room] And two hard-boiled eggs! Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks his horn] Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef, rare, medium, well done, and overdone. Fiorello : [from the room] And two hard-boiled eggs. Otis B. Driftwood : [Tomasso honks his horn again] Make that three hard-boiled eggs... and, uh, eight pieces of French pastry. Fiorello : With two hard-boiled eggs. Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks his horn again] Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso makes a short honk on his horn] Otis B. Driftwood : And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes? Ship's Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, give them some black coffee, that'll sober them up. Fiorello : And two hard-boiled eggs. Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso repeatedly honks his horn, imitating the Morse code] Otis B. Driftwood : It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention will be over. Ship's Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : Do they allow tipping on the boat? Ship's Steward : Oh, yes sir! Otis B. Driftwood : Have you got two fives? Ship's Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

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Ship Captain : Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to... Otis B. Driftwood : Quiet. Gentlemen, our distinguished guests have asked me to represent them in the lack of an interpreter. Now if you'll all follow me, I'll take you to their cabin; and if they're still in it, very few of us will come out alive.

Otis B. Driftwood : Could he sail tomorrow? Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him? Otis B. Driftwood : Well I don't know. Otis B. Driftwood : [to himself] Let's see, uh... $1,000 a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... Otis B. Driftwood : How about $10 a night? Fiorello : Ten? Ten dollars? [Fiorello laughs] Fiorello : I'll take it! Otis B. Driftwood : All right, but remember, I get 10 percent for negotiating the deal. Fiorello : Yes, and I get 10 percent for being the manager. How much does that leave? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that leaves him, uh... $8.00. Fiorello : $8.00, eh? Well, he sends $5.00 home to his mother... Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that leaves $3.00. Fiorello : Can he live in New York on $3.00? Otis B. Driftwood : Like a prince. Of course, he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax. Fiorello : Oh. income tax. Otis B. Driftwood : Yes, you know, there's a federal tax and a state tax and a city tax... and a street tax and a sewer tax Fiorello : How much does this come to? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I figure if that he doesn't sing too often, he can break even. Fiorello : All right, we take it. Otis B. Driftwood : All right, fine. [Driftwood and Fiorello shake hands]

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Otis B. Driftwood : Two beers, bartender! Fiorello : I'll take two beers, too. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, things seem to be getting better around the country. Fiorello : I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself. Otis B. Driftwood : Say, uh, I just remembered: I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you? Fiorello : Is a funny thing, it just slipped my mind. Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, I know, I know: the greatest tenor in the world, that's what I'm after. Fiorello : Why, I'm his manager. Otis B. Driftwood : Whose manager? Fiorello : The greatest tenor in the world. Otis B. Driftwood : The fellow that sings at the opera here? Fiorello : Sure. Otis B. Driftwood : What's his name? Fiorello : What do you care? I can't pronounce it. What do you want with him? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, uh, I want to sign him up for the New York Opera Company. You know that America is waiting to hear him sing? Fiorello : Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway. Could he sail tomorrow? Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

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Fiorello : Can you read? Otis B. Driftwood : [holds the contract close to his face] I can read, but I can't see it. Otis B. Driftwood : [holds the contract further away from his face] Don't seem to have it in focus here... If my arms were a little longer, I could read it. You haven't got a baboon in your pocket, have you? Here, here, here we are, now I've got it. Now pay particular attention to this first clause, because it's most important. It says:"The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh? Fiorello : No, that's no good. Otis B. Driftwood : What's the matter with it? Fiorello : I don't know. Let's hear it again. Otis B. Driftwood : It says "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." Fiorello : Well, it sounds a little better this time. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more? Fiorello : Well, just the first part. Otis B. Driftwood : What do you mean, "The party of the first part"? Fiorello : No: the first part of "the party of the first part". Otis B. Driftwood : All right, it says: "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Fiorello : [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract] Yeah, it's-a too long, anyhow. Now what do we got left? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I've got about a foot-and-a-half. Now it says here: "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part." Fiorello : Well, I don't know about that. Otis B. Driftwood : Now what's the matter? Fiorello : I no like-a the second party, either. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around 4:00 in the morning. I was blind for three days. Fiorello : Hey look: Why can't the first part of the second party be the second part of the first party? Then you got something. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, look, uh... rather than go through all that again, what do you say? Fiorello : Fine. [Driftwood and Fiorello each tear out another section of the contract]

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Otis B. Driftwood : Now, uh, here are the contracts. You just put his name at the top and, uh, you sign his name at the bottom. Otis B. Driftwood : [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract] There's no need of you reading that, because these are duplicates. Fiorello : [chuckles] Yeah, duplicates. Duplicates, eh? Otis B. Driftwood : I say, they're duplicates. Fiorello : Oh sure, is a duplicate. Otis B. Driftwood : Don't you know what duplicates are? Fiorello : [Referring to the Dionne quintuplets] Sure, those five kids up in Canada. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I wouldn't know about that; I haven't been in Canada in years. Well, go ahead and read it. Fiorello : What does it say? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, go on and read it. Fiorello : All right, you read it to me. Otis B. Driftwood : All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear? Fiorello : I haven't heard anything yet. You say anything? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing. Fiorello : Well, that's why I didn't hear anything. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

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[first lines] Waiter : The gentleman has not arrived yet? Mrs. Claypool : No, he has not. Waiter : I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled. Otis B. Driftwood : What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now. Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, boy? Bellboy : Yes, ma'am? Otis B. Driftwood : Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please? Mister Otis B. Driftwood. Bellboy : Paging Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood! Bellboy : [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud] Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood! Otis B. Driftwood : Boy, would you do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? Do I go around yelling your name? Mrs. Claypool : Mr. Driftwood! Otis B. Driftwood : [Driftwood gets up and looks about the dining room] Say, is your voice changing, or is somebody else paging me around here? Mrs. Claypool : Mr. Driftwood! Otis B. Driftwood : Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello! Mrs. Claypool : Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00; it is now 8:00 and no dinner. Otis B. Driftwood : What do you mean, no dinner? I just had one of the biggest meals I ever had in my life,and no thanks to you, either. Mrs. Claypool : I've been sitting right here since 7:00. Otis B. Driftwood : Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

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Otis B. Driftwood : [in an overcrowded stateroom] It is my imagination, or is it getting crowded in here?

Manicurist : Did you want your nails long or short? Otis B. Driftwood : Better make them short. It's getting pretty crowded in here.

Otis B. Driftwood : It's none of my business, but I think there's a brace of woodpeckers in the orchestra.

Otis B. Driftwood : [at the opera] Well, who's ahead?

Otis B. Driftwood : Hello toots. Mrs. Claypool : Well. What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's box. Otis B. Driftwood : He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. He couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.

Henderson : Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here? Otis B. Driftwood : Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?

Fiorello : [beginning a speech disguised as one of the aviators] Friends. Otis B. Driftwood : Go fast. I can see a man with a rope out there. Fiorello : How we happen to come to America is a great story, but I no tell that.

Ship Captain : I cannot let the evening pass without paying a little tribute to our distinguished guests of honor - the three greatest aviators in the world. Otis B. Driftwood : Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.

Otis B. Driftwood : [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter] I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens. If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.

Otis B. Driftwood : Let's go in my room and talk the situation over. Mrs. Claypool : What situation? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, er... what situations have you got? Mrs. Claypool : I most certainly will not go to your room. Otis B. Driftwood : OK, then I'll stay here. Mrs. Claypool : All right, all right, all right! I'll come, but get out. Otis B. Driftwood : Shall we say, uh, ten minutes? Mrs. Claypool : Yes, ten minutes, anything. But go! Otis B. Driftwood : Because if you're not there in ten minutes, I'll be back here in eleven. With squeaky shoes on!

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Otis B. Driftwood : Could he sail tomorrow? Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

Otis B. Driftwood : Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you? Fiorello : It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Lassparri : What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all of those people? You're fired! Do you understand? You're fired! Otis B. Driftwood : Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully? Lassparri : Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs? Get out!

Henderson : The last time I was in this room there were four beds here. Otis B. Driftwood : Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.

Otis B. Driftwood : Signor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.

Henderson : Say! Now, how did those two beds get together? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.

Otis B. Driftwood : Was that a high C, or Vitamin D?

Henderson : Hey, who were you talking to? Otis B. Driftwood : I was talking to myself, and there's nothing you can do about it. I've had three of the best doctors in the East.

Lassparri : [costumed as Pagliacci] Now, what have you got to say to me? Otis B. Driftwood : Just this - can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?

[the waiter brings the bill] Otis B. Driftwood : Let me see that... 9 dollars and 40 cents? This is an outrage. [to his dinner companion] Otis B. Driftwood : If I were you I wouldn't pay it.

[upon seeing a cast member made up to appear hideously ugly] Otis B. Driftwood : Boogie, boogie, boogie. How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Otis B. Driftwood : I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's cheques will probably come back to her in the morning.

Otis B. Driftwood : That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone! Henderson : You'll be alone when I throw you in jail! Otis B. Driftwood : Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Mrs. Claypool : Are you sure you have everything, Otis? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.

Otis B. Driftwood : Now we're getting somewhere.

Henderson : Say, what's that bed doing there? Otis B. Driftwood : I don't see it doing anything.

Otis B. Driftwood : [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing? Fiorello : Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway.

Herbert Gottlieb : [to Mrs. Claypool] All of New York will be under your feet! Otis B. Driftwood : [lifting the tablecloth] Well, there's plenty of room.

Henderson : What's a hermit doing with four beds? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, you see those first three beds? Henderson : Yes. Otis B. Driftwood : Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?

Mrs. Claypool : If you had any real feeling for me you'd stop associating with the kind of riffraff I've seen you going around with. Otis B. Driftwood : You mean Gottlieb? Mrs. Claypool : I mean those two uncouth men I saw you around the opera house with. I'm very grateful they're not on board the boat. Otis B. Driftwood : [gets up from his chair, concerned]...

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Mrs. Claypool : Get off that bed. What would people say? Otis B. Driftwood : They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.

Lassparri : Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, watermelons are out of season.

Fiorello : What'll I say? Otis B. Driftwood : Tell them you're not here. Fiorello : Suppose they don't believe me? Otis B. Driftwood : They'll believe you when you start talking.

Otis B. Driftwood : [to carriage driver] Hey you. I told you to slow that nag down. On account of you I almost heard the opera.

Mrs. Claypool : I've been sitting right here since seven o'clock. Otis B. Driftwood : Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Otis B. Driftwood : Don't you know what duplicates are? Fiorello : Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Otis B. Driftwood : You know the old saying. Two's company, five's a crowd.

Engineer's Assistant : I'm the engineer's assistant. Otis B. Driftwood : You know I had a premonition you were going to show up. The engineer's right there in the corner. You can chop your way right through.

Fiorello : How do you do? Otis B. Driftwood : [resting his foot on Lassparri, who's been knocked out] Hello. Fiorello : What's the matter, mister? Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him. Fiorello : [raises a foot] Do you mind if I...? Otis B. Driftwood : No no, go right ahead. Plenty of room.

Manicurist : Did you want a manicure? Otis B. Driftwood : No, come on in.

[in reference to Tomasso] Otis B. Driftwood : Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed? Fiorello : He's no olive.

Otis B. Driftwood : You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.

[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the second clause of their contract] Otis B. Driftwood : Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part." Fiorello : Well, I don't know about that... Otis B. Driftwood : Now what's the matter? Fiorello : I no like-a the second party, either. Otis B. Driftwood : ...

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Otis B. Driftwood : And eight pieces of French pasty. Fiorello : With two hard-boiled eggs. Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks his horn] Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

Otis B. Driftwood : [to Tomasso, who's knocked out Lassparri] Nice work, I think you got him. Ah, smelling salts? That will bring him to. You're sorry for what you did eh? That shows a nice spirit. Now he's coming along. He'll be fine.

[the ship is sailing away from the dock] Otis B. Driftwood : Hey, have I got time to go back and pay my hotel bill? Ship Captain : Sorry, too late. Otis B. Driftwood : That suits me fine.

[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the first clause of their contract] Otis B. Driftwood : Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh? Fiorello : No, that's no good. Otis B. Driftwood : What's the matter with it? Fiorello : I dunno. Let's hear it again. Otis B. Driftwood : It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." Fiorello : That sounds a little better this time. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more? Fiorello : Er... just the first part. Otis B. Driftwood : What do you mean? The... the party of the first part? Fiorello : No, the first part of the party of the first part. Otis B. Driftwood : All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

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Otis B. Driftwood : You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me? Mrs. Claypool : Yes. Otis B. Driftwood : Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!

Otis B. Driftwood : Do they allow tipping on the boat? Steward : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : Have you got two fives? Steward : Yes, sir! Otis B. Driftwood : Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you.

Otis B. Driftwood : Have you got any milk-fed chickens? Waiter : Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

Otis B. Driftwood : Ladies and gentlemen... I guess that takes in most of you...

[Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping] Otis B. Driftwood : That can't be my shirt, my shirt doesn't snore. Fiorello : Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia, he's trying to sleep it off.

Otis B. Driftwood : Two beers, bartender! Fiorello : I'll take two beers, too.

Otis B. Driftwood : You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you? Fiorello : Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it. Otis B. Driftwood : Did you get anything for it? Fiorello : Uh... dollar forty. Otis B. Driftwood : That's my suit all right.

Otis B. Driftwood : And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

[Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello] Otis B. Driftwood : All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear? Fiorello : I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything? Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing. Fiorello : Well, that's-a why I didn't hear anything. Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

Henderson : You live here all alone? Otis B. Driftwood : Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit. Henderson : Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four. Otis B. Driftwood : That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.

Otis B. Driftwood : That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you. Mrs. Claypool : Really? Otis B. Driftwood : Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one o...

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Otis B. Driftwood : I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.

Otis B. Driftwood : It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause. [Fiorello laughs loudly] Fiorello : You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Claus!

Otis B. Driftwood Movies List

A Night At The Opera

Otis B. Driftwood Actors

Groucho Marx

Otis B. Driftwood Related Characters

Police Sergeant Henderson