Drew Carey : [Scenes From a Hat]  The good news and the bad news. Greg Proops : Merry Christmas, Tommy! Look, it's "Geppetto" on DVD. Wayne Brady : Ooh! [Drew presses the buzzer, tight-lipped, while the audience laughs and cheers]  Wayne Brady : I liked it! Greg Proops : I liked it, too. Wayne Brady : I was in it. I liked it. Greg Proops : [weakly]  The bad news was it was Christmas.

Wayne Brady : We're going to make up a song. Sort of, life advice thing. Audience? Audience Member : Don't do it on the first date.

[Greatest Hits: "I'm the Groom" by the Beach Boys]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna find myself a guy... [he breaks down laughing; the band also breaks down]  Brad Sherwood : [strange voice, drinking motion]  The band's had a little too much to drink!

Ryan Stiles : I just need the answer, is it A, C, C, or D? Wayne Brady : Meh, might help if I knew the question you snooty, you doody. Ryan Stiles : What's the capital of Paraguay, Warden, you're from there for god's sake! Wayne Brady : It's P! P! The big P! Ryan Stiles : Thanks. Wayne Brady : Meh. Colin Mochrie : That's one smart sheep.

Ryan Stiles : [Millionaire show]  Phyllis, did you hear the question hunny? Wayne Brady : Oh yeah, I love money! Everybody loves money. One time I had relations with 45 men at one time. Ryan Stiles : Those were Germans, hunny. We're in different times now.

Colin Mochrie : [Song Titles- In a Psychiatrist's office]  What's New Pussycat? Ryan Stiles : I've got a feeling Colin Mochrie : Feelings? Ryan Stiles : One. Colin Mochrie : What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening! Ryan Stiles : Nowhere, man. Colin Mochrie : [stumped]  Really, that sucks! [Buzz]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Really that sucks, really that sucks...

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Versions of hell, other than eternal flame. Ryan Stiles : Okay, that's a thousand points for Colin, it's time for Hoedown. Colin Mochrie : Let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time! [when no one laughs, he does his "Lightning Rod of Hate" signal]  Wayne Brady : Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi! Greg Proops : Mississippi, *I'm* still in Mississippi!

Drew Carey : Now, we need two unlikely roommates. Person from audience : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Drew Carey : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Bill Cosby and Hitler certainly unlikely roomates Censor : Hold Please. Drew Carey : You've got to be kidding me. Ryan Stiles : Not that Hitler Brad Sherwood : We meant RUDOLPH Hitler! Wayne Brady : [as Bill Cosby]  Would you like some Jello... Hitler? Drew Carey : Somebody over there! Gimme a profession Person from audience : Insurance Salesman Drew Carey : Insurance Salesman. Brad and Wayne, you're going to be singing Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman. Pretty fucking funny isn't it?

Wayne Brady : [as a novelty singing bass fish]  Yes, I really love you / We could have a ball / We could make love and / You can mount me on your wall.

Ryan Stiles : [Scenes from a hat- U.S cities that will never have a song written about them]  We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington! We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington Colin Mochrie : Proud citizens of Dog-Lick... Wayne Brady : Our arms are wide open at Muscelahoochehella Alabama, Muscelahoochehella Alabama... Ryan Stiles : We call it Butte- Not Butt- Montana! Jeff Bryan Davis : Who wants an Oxnard, I do, I do! Ryan Stiles : [In a stoner voice]  What's the matter with Weed?

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  What Drew Carey thinks about before he drifts to sleep. Wayne Brady : Ah! Money. Ryan Stiles : He's so tall! Colin Mochrie : Maybe tomorrow I'll lick his head!

Drew Carey : Bad segues following tragic news stories. Chip Esten : ...and everyone died. Speaking of dying, I've been *dying* to see that new Bruce Willis flick! Wayne Brady : It was a big, big loss. Speaking of big, right after this, "The Drew Carey Show!" [everyone scowls]  Drew Carey : You are all gonna pay.

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Things that will get 'bleeped' by the censors. Wayne Brady : En espanol, I am "El Grande Ricardo", but you can call me "Big Dick". [buzz]  Greg Proops : I'm George Bush and I'm a fucking indigimimite. [buzz]  Colin Mochrie : [reffering to a cat]  Here, pussy! [buzz]  Drew Carey : [laughing]  Bloopers from the first 100 episodes. Colin Mochrie : Here, pussy! [Greg and Wayne go up and start kissing]  Greg Proops : He's... uh... Wayne Brady : [Starts humming the Irish Drinking Song]  Wayne Brady : [Puts on Drew's glasses]  Hi, welcome to Whose Line it an- Oh, gosh I'm so stupid! Colin Mochrie : [Referring to an earlier scene]  H-O-R-W-A-R-D!

Drew Carey : [after a "song styles" unexpectedly malfunctions by speeding up]  Thanks a lot, Howard. Or as Wayne Brady spells it, Horward... H-O-R-W-A-R-D! Wayne Brady : ...it's hard to spell when you're going 210 beats per minute, Drew.

Wayne Brady : [Wearing a fireman's helmet]  Damn! Baby got backdraft!

Wayne Brady : I've got a fig ol' futt.

[Songs you wouldn't want to hear in prison]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  So who's the slightly effeminate one, that's me... Brad Sherwood : [singing]  Who dropped the soap... who dropped the soap... Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall... Colin Mochrie : [singing]  With the wig... you remind me... of Julia...

Drew Carey : The next game is called African Chant. Wayne will do the chant. Wayne Brady : Hey, how come I gotta do the African Chant? Drew Carey : [going into the audience]  Because Colin would screw it up.

Drew Carey : What penguins are really thinking? Wayne Brady : Does this tux make me look fat? Ryan Stiles : Geez... it's cold! Colin Mochrie : One day I'll get that Batman!

Ryan Stiles : [scene to rap, Top Gun]  I'm a bird flyin' through the air/come near me if you dare/my feathers are white and my beak is flat/I hit your windshield and go SPLAT! Colin Mochrie : [flapping his arms like a bird]  I don't have a ryhme, boo-hoo. Wayne Brady : I thought he was a bird/but that ain't that/'cause everybody know's Canadians can't rap.

Wayne Brady : Well, she's a dog and she's so fine / She's the canine that's on my mind / She's Lassie.

[Scenes from a Hat game]  Drew Carey : Things in Drew Carey's planner. Wayne Brady : 7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money. Ryan Stiles : 9:00- Blow up [crosses out]  Ryan Stiles : Pick up date!

[singing as a strip-o-gram to a retired lunch lady]  Wayne Brady : And today's Friday/it's the best day of all/because you get to have, a little spaghetti/and two big meatba- [cracks up] 

Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Bad names for perfume. Wayne Brady : I call it... "Like Ass!" Ryan Stiles : You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!" Colin Mochrie : [referring to an earlier game of Song Titles when he said to Ryan "Nice Pants"]  "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.

[the Village People Hoedown]  Wayne Brady : I love the Village People, now please don't get me wrong / I love YMCA, hey girl, that's my song / But you see in Fran Sancisco is where they belong / And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.

Drew Carey : Take it away, Laura, whenever you're ready. The ugly hoedown. [the music begins playing]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Let me tell you something that happened just the other day/My date was so ugly I almost ran away/She was just horrific, where can I begin?/When that heffer was born her mama should have pushed her back in. [spoken]  Wayne Brady : Ugly! Drew Carey : [singing]  I met a girl at a nightclub/It was pretty dark/Thought I'd take her home just for a lark/But when I saw her in the light I ran a mile/Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles. [Wayne and Drew do a swing your partner dance and giggle while Ryan clearly prepares his response]  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  I'm an ugly woman/Yes, it is not fair/I have an ugly face and I have no hair/What can I do? That's the way the fates went/The only person who'll sleep with me is the president. Ryan Stiles : [singing]  I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover/When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover/I'm big and white and round and my back is so hairy/Yes you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey

Drew Carey : Announcements made over Hell's PA system. Ryan Stiles : Attention. Will the owner of a Pinto, lisencse plate number... Wayne Brady : Tickets for Yanni, on sale in the lobby. Tickets for Yanni. Colin Mochrie : Clean up on aisle five.

Drew Carey : "First Drafts of famous movie lines" Ryan Stiles : Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb... Wayne Brady : Miss Scarlett, I don't give a burden about no Teletubbies! Chip Esten : I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I have some things I have to do, I'll be right back... Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla! Chip Esten : Luke, I'm your second uncle twice removed Drew Carey : Alrighty "World's Worst person to be stuck with at a party" Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla!

Drew Carey : Confusing battle cries. Wayne Brady : Hurt you! Ryan Stiles : Don't shoot until you see the whites! Colin Mochrie : Give me liberty, or a bran muffin! Colin Mochrie : Get my brown pants! Wayne Brady : Every last one of us will defend the alamo, right? [looks behind him, sees nothing]  Wayne Brady : What the hell?

Colin Mochrie : [Scenes from a hat- What really made the kids in Blair Witch run off screaming]  There's going to be a crappy sequel! Wayne Brady : His shoes, they're so blue!

Drew Carey : [playing Scenes from a Hat]  "People you wish would just shut up..." Wayne Brady : [steps out]  People you wish would just shut up... Greg Proops : I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Jeopardy. [Buzz]  Greg Proops : Oh, I'm sorry, that buzz was too late. Greg Proops : I had an idea for a show! Four women with different viewpoints. Maybe too different!

Wayne Brady : Drew doesn't do a damn thing!

Drew Carey : If famous movie lines were done by cartoon characters. Greg Proops : [as Scooby Doo]  Uh, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! Colin Mochrie : [as Elmer Fudd]  Feeling wucky punk! Ryan Stiles : [as Popeye]  I'll be back-agagagagagagag! Colin Mochrie : [as Snagglepuss]  Rosebud, even! Wayne Brady : [as Yogi Bear]  Hey, Punk! Are you feeing lucky? Do you wanna see what's in my pic-a-nic basket?

[after singing a song as a strip-o-gram]  Wayne Brady : I feel so dirty!

Drew Carey : Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell. Ryan Stiles : [referring to last scene]  I'm Spartacus! Wayne Brady : Put me down! Robin Williams : Who's your daddy?

[Hoedown - Scary Wives]  Wayne Brady : Oh I got married about a year ago. I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know. But my wife, I'm glad I did marry. Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey. Drew Carey : Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife, cause she is the love of his life. But every night, just about three, Oh, Wayne, She's out with me. [Wayne's mouth drops, and then they dance] 

[Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles]  Wayne Brady : [Blows]  No more Hoedowns. Colin Mochrie : [Blows]  Let me play a Man in a scene. Ryan Stiles : [Blows]  Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again. Drew Carey : Young man, I'll see you at my desk.

Drew Carey : Colin, Colin, another hundred dollars for you, buddy. [Drew and Colin kiss]  Ryan Stiles : That's just dirty money now. Drew Carey : How bad you want it, Mochrie? Come on, get your dirty money. Wayne Brady : He kissed really nice... For a dude. Ryan Stiles : I don't think the tongue was necessary, but I think... Wayne Brady : [singing]  I'm in love with a Canadian man... Drew Carey : Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway". Ryan Stiles : Hey, uh... [Wayne, Colin, and Ryan indicate wedding rings, Drew and Jeff are unmarried]  Jeff Bryan Davis : [kisses Colin and grins innocently] 

Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk. Wayne Brady : No!

Wayne Brady : [Scenes from a hat- What George Bush really thinks about during cabinet meetings]  So *that's* where poo comes from!

Colin Mochrie : [as a pregnant mother in Quick Change]  Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Wayne Brady : Change. Colin Mochrie : Oklahoma!

Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Difficult questions for mommy to answer. Wayne Brady : Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"? Colin Mochrie : Mommy, how come no one looks like *me* on "Friends"? Drew Carey : If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions! Colin Mochrie : I'm adorable.

Drew Carey : [Scenes From A Hat]  Inappropriate anecdotes on a celebrity talk show. Wayne Brady : [laughter]  ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"? [buzz]  Colin Mochrie : ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And... [buzz]  Colin Mochrie : I'm s... Robin Williams : ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"! [buzz]  Wayne Brady : ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandmother, and I'm like... [buzz]  Ryan Stiles : So... anyway, long story short, [pointing at his wedding ring]  Ryan Stiles : this is the stone I passed!

Drew Carey : Gifts the three wise men considered Wayne Brady : Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child. Kathryn Greenwood : It's a Chia Pet! Ryan Stiles : [to Colin]  You can't give them a pork roast! Colin Mochrie : Water Skis. [Shrugs]  Wayne Brady : With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar... Ryan Stiles : They call it... a thong.

Drew Carey : "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'". Ryan Stiles : Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Brad Sherwood : Do you smell bacon? Colin Mochrie : Alright, now bend over and sneeze Ryan Stiles : Now, here's how you throw a curve. Brad Sherwood : Maybe I should turn up the heat in here... Wayne Brady : [Makes a clacking noise] 

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Heh heh. Th-things bald men are sick of hearing. Wayne Brady : [Goes up as does Colin. He folds his arms then Wayne hugs him. Colin walks off but Wayne motions him back on stage]  We need your head to bounce a laser of off to communicate with the satellite! Ryan Stiles : [Colin walks back but Ryan pushes him back on stage. He bends Colin's head down]  You're my only friend on this island. Wayne Brady : [He motions Colin back on stage]  No, I just had one! I don't wanna say anymore. Colin Mochrie : No, go on, it's comedy! Wayne Brady : Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom? [Shakes Colin's head like a magic 8 ball]  Drew Carey : I'll stop it now for you. Colin Mochrie : Oh, thanks! Just in time. Drew Carey : I was just - suggestion there you know... Drew Carey : Yeah, stop at 10 I say! Drew Carey : It's not me.

[Scenes From a Hat - "What George W. Bush is really thinking during Cabinet meetings"]  [Wayne steps out, and stares around, signifying nothing; buzzer]  Greg Proops : What's the "W" stand for, anyway? Whatever... [Buzzer]  Colin Mochrie : There isn't even a cabinet in here. Wayne Brady : [Referring to an earlier joke]  That's where poo comes from!

Wayne Brady : [Song Styles - singing a song in the style of a boy band to special guest Miss America]  Hey, Miss America, what's up? I'm T.K. [moves over]  Wayne Brady : I'm B.J. [moves over again]  Wayne Brady : I'm J.J. [moves over again]  Wayne Brady : And I'm O.K.

[after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman]  Drew Carey : [pulls out a can of Oust for Colin]  Would you like some disinfectant for your hands? Wayne Brady : [acting as a little boy, to Kathy]  Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line? Kathryn Greenwood : [giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote]  ... well darling... Drew Carey : That was amazing, Colin Mochrie! [audience cheers and applause]  Ryan Stiles : [calling off-stage]  Keith, I'm going to need two minutes. [everyone laughs]  Ryan Stiles : And I *mean* "two minutes"! Drew Carey : That was unbelievable! Wayne Brady : Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie! [starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew]  Wayne Brady : He's *so* gentle too! Colin Mochrie : [embarrassed]  Yeah. Drew Carey : So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over... Colin Mochrie : ...oh, there's no doubt about you, my friend! Drew Carey : [chuckles]  Yep, I'm *all* man!

Wayne Brady : Order Colin Mochrie's guide to dialect in other countries now! You get French-"Helloo!", Spanish-"Helloo!", Indonesian-"HELLOO!" [Buzz]  Colin Mochrie : The Wayne Brady surfboard with a bump big enough to sit on!

Wayne Brady : [as the Mission:Impossible informant]  As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass.

[Quick Change]  Ryan Stiles : [discussing a map]  Well, it - it's - it's full of flaws. Look, this - this army's attacking Hawaii! Wayne Brady : Change. Ryan Stiles : Why - why the Salvation Army's attacking the restaurant here! Wayne Brady : Change. Ryan Stiles : Why uh... this is me, going after Richard Simmons!

Drew Carey : If entertainers worked funerals. Wayne Brady : Please gather around the body. Whooof! [pantomimes removing the blanket]  Wayne Brady : He's not there anymore! Huh? Thank you! [takes a bow]  Robin Williams : Is this the loved one? Alright start the truck Johnny! WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again! Ryan Stiles : [Pantomimes opening the dead person's mouth and sticks his head in like a lion tamer in a circus act]  Colin Mochrie : [Pantomimes twirling the body like a balloon person]  A dog! Ryan Stiles : [Picks up body and holds it like a dummy]  Well, Harry and I would like to thank you all for coming by, wouldn't we Harry?...

Wayne Brady : Thank you for saving my husband. Ryan Stiles : Oh... you two are married? Colin Mochrie : It's nothing permanent.

Ryan Stiles : [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids]  My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in. Drew Carey : You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once. Ryan Stiles : Wow. Wayne Brady : He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years. Brad Sherwood : Finally. Drew Carey : [Ryan spat out the Altoids]  Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...

Drew Carey : If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments. Ryan Stiles : Where did all the toilet paper gooo? Kathryn Greenwood : I love you sooooo much- oops I farted! Colin Mochrie : Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose! Wayne Brady : We made love at 5:06. I was done by 5:07! Colin Mochrie : Hey I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, those things just happen! My was just standin' there, and his little toes they started tapping! So I cut his throat, let go kick a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque! [Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game]  Drew Carey : And I put him on the barbecue!

[Party quirks]  Greg Proops : No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs. [doorbell]  Greg Proops : Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party. Wayne Brady : [as "Chicken With Attitude"]  Hmph. [walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"]  Greg Proops : Are you all right? You want some... Wayne Brady : ["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement]  Greg Proops : Y-you want some corn or chips or something? [doorbell]  Greg Proops : I'm gonna... Wayne Brady : ["Answer the dang door!"]  Greg Proops : Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya? Colin Mochrie : [as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"]  Here's my 8" by 10". Greg Proops : Uh... all right? Great. Colin Mochrie : All right? Here we go. [clears throat]  Colin Mochrie : Okay. [screams loudly]  Colin Mochrie : No, wait! I can do it better. [screams louder on higher pitch]  Colin Mochrie : No. I think maybe this part. [Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning]  Greg Proops : [doorbell]  Oh. [ducks under his arm]  Greg Proops : You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you? Ryan Stiles : [as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"]  Great, how are you? Greg Proops : Fine. Ryan Stiles : Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests? Greg Proops : Sure, no problem. [moves over to Wayne]  Greg Proops : This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster? Drew Carey : He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE. Greg Proops : Chicken with an attitude? [laughs]  Greg Proops : Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie. Drew Carey : Every part in a horror movie. Greg Proops : [talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination]  Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something? Ryan Stiles : Sure, Ryan. [pretends to spill invisible glass]  Ryan Stiles : Oops. I dropped it all over myself. [bends down to show Drew his butt]  Ryan Stiles : I believe I haven't met your other friend. Greg Proops : Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us! [laughter from the audience]  Greg Proops : Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets! Drew Carey : No. Greg Proops : He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that... Drew Carey : [interrupting]  Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!

Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Things you do not want to hear your grandmother singing about. Wayne Brady : [singing]  Grandma likes to get freaky in the mornin', freaky at night! Freaky on the left... [buzz]  Greg Proops : [singing]  Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore! [buzz]  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Oh, I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner. [buzzer; extreme laughter from Wayne]  Ryan Stiles : [goes back up]  I like to be on top!

Brad Sherwood : There's nothing like a 200-pound snatch, if you know what I mean. [everyone dissolves into laughter]  Ryan Stiles : That one will never get on the air, if you know what I mean. Drew Carey : You are a bad... Brad Sherwood : That is a weightlifting term! Ryan Stiles : Of course it is! Wayne Brady : This show brought to you by the Church of Latter-day Saints. Drew Carey : Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now? Brad Sherwood : [quoting a parent]  This is the last time you get to watch that show. Ryan Stiles : If you know what I mean. Drew Carey : Well, two hundred pounds for each of you, and...

Drew Carey : Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged. Ryan Stiles : [pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair]  We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning! Wayne Brady : [goes up with Jeff]  I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it... Jeff Bryan Davis : [continuing]  Isn't gonna make it! Colin Mochrie : [mimes trapping himself in a box]  I'm a MIME!

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Baby Drew's first words. Colin Mochrie : Colin's Bald! Wayne Brady : Hey Nurse, come on! Ryan Stiles : Pizza! Brad Sherwood : Show me them boobs! Come on!

[after a dance with Richard Simmons]  Wayne Brady : I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.

Drew Carey : If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon. Brad Sherwood : One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya? Drew Carey : [as Brad sets off-stage]  Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities." Brad Sherwood : Oh, I'm sorry. [the audience groans, then he starts whining]  Brad Sherwood : That was mean! Wayne Brady : [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking]  Hooo! Colin Mochrie : Where's my car? Ryan Stiles : [as Carol Channing]  Well this is dry and barren as I am.

Drew Carey : Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet Wayne Brady : Hi, I'm Bea Arthur! Ryan Stiles : C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm. Ryan Stiles : [Pretends to click away from the website. He then throws the computer out the window]  Drew Carey : Careful what you wish for Buddy...

Drew Carey : Bad places to find advertising. [Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing]  Drew Carey : Must not have had a lot to say... [audience boos]  Drew Carey : I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey". Colin Mochrie : I have no sense of length. Wayne Brady : When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!" Ryan Stiles : Did you know at first Drew Carey turned *down* the role of Geppetto?

[Scenes from a hat]  Drew Carey : Okay. Let's start out with... [pulls out paper]  Drew Carey : No... no. [puts paper back and picks a new one]  Drew Carey : "Bad choices for pets." Brad Sherwood : Here velocipraptor! Here velo- [Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck]  Ryan Stiles : [whistles]  Where's my little tapeworm? Huh? Drew Carey : Okay. [clears thraot]  Drew Carey : "Strange things to find in your bed." Wayne Brady : Colin? [Colin pops his head up]  Wayne Brady : Ahhhhhhh! Colin Mochrie : Teach me how to sing like you! Ryan Stiles : [Ryan pops his head up]  What's his problem? Colin Mochrie : I don't know! Drew Carey : Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked." Brad Sherwood : Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque. Colin Mochrie : [sighs]  Okay. [Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and jugle them]  Ryan Stiles : 5 minutes, Mr. President. Drew Carey : [laughs]  Okay. [reads card]  Drew Carey : Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked." Ryan Stiles : Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry? Colin Mochrie : Come here... Colin. [Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up]  Drew Carey : Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey." Ryan Stiles : What kind of middle name is "Alison?" Drew Carey : "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president." Colin Mochrie : Sure, I'll be your intern. Brad Sherwood : [acts like he's holding out a tray]  Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone? Ryan Stiles : [as if getting married]  I do. Drew Carey : Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!

[quick change]  Ryan Stiles : You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff. Wayne Brady : Change. Ryan Stiles : You see this thong?... [bursts out laughing]  Wayne Brady : Change. Ryan Stiles : You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.