[Greatest Hits: "I'm the Groom" by the Beach Boys]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna find myself a guy... [he breaks down laughing; the band also breaks down]  Brad Sherwood : [strange voice, drinking motion]  The band's had a little too much to drink!

Brad Sherwood : Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news. Veteran rock musicians Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, Pete Townsend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said they that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.

Brad Sherwood : [frequently, during Party Quirks]  Drew, get out of my closet!

Drew Carey : World's Least Popular Monuments Brad Sherwood : Over here folks, you'll see the Statue of Puberty. [buzz]  Brad Sherwood : Over here is the Viagra Falls! Drew Carey : I said LEAST popular Brad Sherwood : Oh! Wow!

Brad Sherwood : Wanna see my fingers go blurry? [gives the finger and his hands get blurred out] 

Drew Carey : Now, we need two unlikely roommates. Person from audience : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Drew Carey : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Bill Cosby and Hitler certainly unlikely roomates Censor : Hold Please. Drew Carey : You've got to be kidding me. Ryan Stiles : Not that Hitler Brad Sherwood : We meant RUDOLPH Hitler! Wayne Brady : [as Bill Cosby]  Would you like some Jello... Hitler? Drew Carey : Somebody over there! Gimme a profession Person from audience : Insurance Salesman Drew Carey : Insurance Salesman. Brad and Wayne, you're going to be singing Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman. Pretty fucking funny isn't it?

Brad Sherwood : ["Scenes from a Hat: Odd Choices for a Presidential Running Mate"]  I'd like you all to meet my running mate. [starts unzipping his pants] 

Brad Sherwood : [Colin is acting like a seal]  I would like you to meet Stephen Hawking. [Audience boo's as Colin gives a weak grin] 

Brad Sherwood : This is the Devil's work!

Brad Sherwood : [weird newscasters]  Hello, I'm Chester Snapdragon-McFisticuff.

[Songs you wouldn't want to hear in prison]  Wayne Brady : [singing]  So who's the slightly effeminate one, that's me... Brad Sherwood : [singing]  Who dropped the soap... who dropped the soap... Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall... Colin Mochrie : [singing]  With the wig... you remind me... of Julia...

Brad Sherwood : [during the dating show game]  Wayne was either the Wicked Witch of the West, or Barbara Bush.

Brad Sherwood : [Scenes from a Hat: Dr. Seuss inspired pick-up lines]  Are you my mommy?

Brad Sherwood : That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.

Brad Sherwood : [as a drill sergeant, to Wayne, Ryan and Colin]  I just wanna stand here and stare at my privates!

[during press conference - Colin is Santa going on retirement]  Brad Sherwood : What about all the people you'll disappoint? Colin Mochrie : Screw them.

Drew Carey : The other Spice Girls. Brad Sherwood : [everyone comes out]  I'm Velcro Spice! Kathy Kinney : I'm Gravy Spice! Colin Mochrie : I'm Old Spice! Ryan Stiles : I'm Cilantro!

Drew Carey : "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'". Ryan Stiles : Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Brad Sherwood : Do you smell bacon? Colin Mochrie : Alright, now bend over and sneeze Ryan Stiles : Now, here's how you throw a curve. Brad Sherwood : Maybe I should turn up the heat in here... Wayne Brady : [Makes a clacking noise] 

Brad Sherwood : [during Song Styles; serenading a lightbulb salesgirl in the form of a Jewish wedding]  You are so effervescent, Your lightbulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!

[Scenes Cut from a Movie - Braveheart]  Brad Sherwood : All right men, we're going into battle tomorrow! Before we do, I think we shall all take a shower! Colin Mochrie : Ehh, I don't want my freedom.

Ryan Stiles : [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids]  My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in. Drew Carey : You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once. Ryan Stiles : Wow. Wayne Brady : He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years. Brad Sherwood : Finally. Drew Carey : [Ryan spat out the Altoids]  Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...

Ryan Stiles : [During "Press Conference", where Colin is Batman announcing he's coming out of the closet]  How does the partner feel about this? Colin Mochrie : Well, he is a little worried, since he relies on me for most of the income... [as the audience starts laughing, Colin pauses]  Colin Mochrie : I'm not sure, I may want to rephrase that later. [points at Brad, who has his hand up]  Colin Mochrie : Yes? Brad Sherwood : You might want to rephrase that now.

Brad Sherwood : There's nothing like a 200-pound snatch, if you know what I mean. [everyone dissolves into laughter]  Ryan Stiles : That one will never get on the air, if you know what I mean. Drew Carey : You are a bad... Brad Sherwood : That is a weightlifting term! Ryan Stiles : Of course it is! Wayne Brady : This show brought to you by the Church of Latter-day Saints. Drew Carey : Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now? Brad Sherwood : [quoting a parent]  This is the last time you get to watch that show. Ryan Stiles : If you know what I mean. Drew Carey : Well, two hundred pounds for each of you, and...

[interviewing Santa]  Brad Sherwood : What about all of you animal friends? Colin Mochrie : Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet. [the audience gasps]  Colin Mochrie : I may have said too much.

Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Baby Drew's first words. Colin Mochrie : Colin's Bald! Wayne Brady : Hey Nurse, come on! Ryan Stiles : Pizza! Brad Sherwood : Show me them boobs! Come on!

Drew Carey : If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon. Brad Sherwood : One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya? Drew Carey : [as Brad sets off-stage]  Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities." Brad Sherwood : Oh, I'm sorry. [the audience groans, then he starts whining]  Brad Sherwood : That was mean! Wayne Brady : [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking]  Hooo! Colin Mochrie : Where's my car? Ryan Stiles : [as Carol Channing]  Well this is dry and barren as I am.

[Scenes from a hat]  Drew Carey : Okay. Let's start out with... [pulls out paper]  Drew Carey : No... no. [puts paper back and picks a new one]  Drew Carey : "Bad choices for pets." Brad Sherwood : Here velocipraptor! Here velo- [Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck]  Ryan Stiles : [whistles]  Where's my little tapeworm? Huh? Drew Carey : Okay. [clears thraot]  Drew Carey : "Strange things to find in your bed." Wayne Brady : Colin? [Colin pops his head up]  Wayne Brady : Ahhhhhhh! Colin Mochrie : Teach me how to sing like you! Ryan Stiles : [Ryan pops his head up]  What's his problem? Colin Mochrie : I don't know! Drew Carey : Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked." Brad Sherwood : Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque. Colin Mochrie : [sighs]  Okay. [Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and jugle them]  Ryan Stiles : 5 minutes, Mr. President. Drew Carey : [laughs]  Okay. [reads card]  Drew Carey : Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked." Ryan Stiles : Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry? Colin Mochrie : Come here... Colin. [Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up]  Drew Carey : Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey." Ryan Stiles : What kind of middle name is "Alison?" Drew Carey : "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president." Colin Mochrie : Sure, I'll be your intern. Brad Sherwood : [acts like he's holding out a tray]  Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone? Ryan Stiles : [as if getting married]  I do. Drew Carey : Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!