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Grace Adler, Grace, Herself
[after dropping noodles on the ground] Grace : Oh no, my noodles. Owner : That's okay, we get you 'nother. Grace : Oh, thank you, thank you. Owner : That will be 7.95. Grace : What? You don't pay for the second noodles. And everyone knows you're suppose to say, "hot plate, hot plate," when something's hot. [Later, Grace finds Karen & Jack in Happy Noodle, a...
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[after dropping noodles on the ground] Grace : Oh no, my noodles. Owner : That's okay, we get you 'nother. Grace : Oh, thank you, thank you. Owner : That will be 7.95. Grace : What? You don't pay for the second noodles. And everyone knows you're suppose to say, "hot plate, hot plate," when something's hot. [Later, Grace finds Karen & Jack in Happy Noodle, after they swore not to go in] Owner : And Karen, since you've been here all week, we give you one on the house. [Flashes a glance at Grace] Owner : Hot plate, hot plate
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Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over. Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it? Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then tha...
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Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over. Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it? Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
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Karen : What's that, honey? Grace : Funnel cake Karen : Can I have some? Grace : [Innocently] Yeah, the stand is right over there...
Karen : What's that, honey? Grace : Funnel cake Karen : Can I have some? Grace : [Innocently] Yeah, the stand is right over there...
Grace : It just creeps me out. Like anything that ends with "mini-teeth" or "mini-hair". Will : Here we go... Grace : On the Discovery Channel, there was this guy with a tumor that had mini-teeth and mini-hair, and when they poked it, it said "Ow"! Will : It did not say "Ow". Grace : Well, if it had mini-lips, it would have.
Grace : It just creeps me out. Like anything that ends with "mini-teeth" or "mini-hair". Will : Here we go... Grace : On the Discovery Channel, there was this guy with a tumor that had mini-teeth and mini-hair, and when they poked it, it said "Ow"! Will : It did not say "Ow". Grace : Well, if it had mini-lips, it would have.
Grace : [Grace has picked up some slogans at an A.A. meeting] "Let go and let God." Karen : Where did you hear that? Who taught you that hate speech?
Grace : [Grace has picked up some slogans at an A.A. meeting] "Let go and let God." Karen : Where did you hear that? Who taught you that hate speech?
Grace : Hi, Karen. How are you? Karen : [walks to an open window, and shouts out] Stanley Walker is a pig and I hope he rots in hell! Karen : [walks away from window and calmly replies to Grace] I'm fine, thanks. How you doing?
Grace : Hi, Karen. How are you? Karen : [walks to an open window, and shouts out] Stanley Walker is a pig and I hope he rots in hell! Karen : [walks away from window and calmly replies to Grace] I'm fine, thanks. How you doing?
Grace : Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried? Will : Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas. G...
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Grace : Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried? Will : Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas. Grace : I wanna do a will. Will : Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!
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Grace : Fine, if you want to spend our traditional Haunnukah dinner time with Jack, then that's fine. But all I'm sayin' is, betta' him than me! [Storms away] Bobbi Adler : [to resteraunt patrons] You'll have to forgive her. She's never really forgiven me for being the prettier sister.
Grace : Fine, if you want to spend our traditional Haunnukah dinner time with Jack, then that's fine. But all I'm sayin' is, betta' him than me! [Storms away] Bobbi Adler : [to resteraunt patrons] You'll have to forgive her. She's never really forgiven me for being the prettier sister.
[Grace is redecorating Jack's apartment, and Karen is paying] Jack : [spreads arms] I've got it! A skylight. Grace : [exasperated] Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building. Jack : [screeching] Karen, I can't work like this!
[Grace is redecorating Jack's apartment, and Karen is paying] Jack : [spreads arms] I've got it! A skylight. Grace : [exasperated] Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building. Jack : [screeching] Karen, I can't work like this!
Grace : What, did you think I wouldn't find out? Leo : Grace, I told you. Grace : Yes, but I would have found out. I have connections. Leo : In Cambodia? Grace : YES CHEATER, IN CAMBODIA!
Grace : What, did you think I wouldn't find out? Leo : Grace, I told you. Grace : Yes, but I would have found out. I have connections. Leo : In Cambodia? Grace : YES CHEATER, IN CAMBODIA!
Will : Where's all the Chinese food? Grace : Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out. Will : You ate all of it, didn't you? Gr...
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Will : Where's all the Chinese food? Grace : Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out. Will : You ate all of it, didn't you? Grace : Yes, I did.
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Karen : [in a luandramat] What is this place? It's pretty. [starts to tap on a washing machine] Karen : Where are all the fishes? Grace : No Karen this is a laundramat, normal people wash their clothes and wear them again. Karen : Well poor people are just plain clever.
Karen : [in a luandramat] What is this place? It's pretty. [starts to tap on a washing machine] Karen : Where are all the fishes? Grace : No Karen this is a laundramat, normal people wash their clothes and wear them again. Karen : Well poor people are just plain clever.
Grace : [about Jack going back to Karen after sleeping with grace] What were his exact words again?, my Harald and Maud faze is so over.
Grace : [about Jack going back to Karen after sleeping with grace] What were his exact words again?, my Harald and Maud faze is so over.
Grace : I just gave a quarter to a homeless guy, I think it was Johnny Depp.
Grace : I just gave a quarter to a homeless guy, I think it was Johnny Depp.
Grace : I thought this could be a theme party. Nathan and me, Jack and his father, Karen and her drink. [to her martini] Karen : Thanks for coming.
Grace : I thought this could be a theme party. Nathan and me, Jack and his father, Karen and her drink. [to her martini] Karen : Thanks for coming.
[after ripping open Grace's trousers] Fanny Lieber : Oh... you're Jewish. Grace : [long pause] How... how can you tell that? Fanny Lieber : Cheap underwear.
[after ripping open Grace's trousers] Fanny Lieber : Oh... you're Jewish. Grace : [long pause] How... how can you tell that? Fanny Lieber : Cheap underwear.
[Will's elementary school nemesis, Kevin Wolchek, has come to work at his firm] Grace : Sweetie, are you gonna be okay? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter. I once bit a jump rope in half. Will : Why? Grace : [pause] What d'you mean, "why"?
[Will's elementary school nemesis, Kevin Wolchek, has come to work at his firm] Grace : Sweetie, are you gonna be okay? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter. I once bit a jump rope in half. Will : Why? Grace : [pause] What d'you mean, "why"?
Grace : [making up a story about a vase they brought at a nick-nack store] It's a sad story actually, it's the only thing that survived the fire that burned down the house when Grams accidentally answered the iron. Jack : With her hook!
Grace : [making up a story about a vase they brought at a nick-nack store] It's a sad story actually, it's the only thing that survived the fire that burned down the house when Grams accidentally answered the iron. Jack : With her hook!
Grace : Are you wearing smarty-pants, because that was a great idea! Jack : Well, no, but I might be wearing a witty thong!
Grace : Are you wearing smarty-pants, because that was a great idea! Jack : Well, no, but I might be wearing a witty thong!
Karen Walker : I'm going to grab some lunch with some of the other gals from the typing pool. [Grace stares at her in disbelief] Karen Walker : Oh, it's Zoe's birthday! Fran made cupcakes! [she giggles] Karen Walker : [she leaves the room] Grace : Cupcakes...! Frickin' nutbag! Craaazy!
Karen Walker : I'm going to grab some lunch with some of the other gals from the typing pool. [Grace stares at her in disbelief] Karen Walker : Oh, it's Zoe's birthday! Fran made cupcakes! [she giggles] Karen Walker : [she leaves the room] Grace : Cupcakes...! Frickin' nutbag! Craaazy!
[Grace has just walked in and found Will, Jack, and Nathan entangled and asleep in bed together] Grace Adler : Grace: Oh, my God, I've turned another one!
[Grace has just walked in and found Will, Jack, and Nathan entangled and asleep in bed together] Grace Adler : Grace: Oh, my God, I've turned another one!
Leo : Are you jealous about them? Grace : No, I'm not jealous. And I'll tell you why I'm jealous. Because I am *not* jealous. Leo : You're not making any sense. Grace : Oh, so suddenly you're the president of things that make sense?
Leo : Are you jealous about them? Grace : No, I'm not jealous. And I'll tell you why I'm jealous. Because I am *not* jealous. Leo : You're not making any sense. Grace : Oh, so suddenly you're the president of things that make sense?
Grace : Thanks for taking me out to dinner, Kar. Karen : Well, honey, it's like the old song goes - anyone deserves a free meal who has Will's sperm inside them. Grace : I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."
Grace : Thanks for taking me out to dinner, Kar. Karen : Well, honey, it's like the old song goes - anyone deserves a free meal who has Will's sperm inside them. Grace : I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."
Will : Your dad's great. Grace : Yeah, in a parallel universe where my hair is straight and so are you.
Will : Your dad's great. Grace : Yeah, in a parallel universe where my hair is straight and so are you.
[Grace shows Will a bowl of microwaved mac and cheese] Grace : Look, Will. We've been cooking. Will : Oh, a cuisine of Chef Boy-Are-You-Lazy.
[Grace shows Will a bowl of microwaved mac and cheese] Grace : Look, Will. We've been cooking. Will : Oh, a cuisine of Chef Boy-Are-You-Lazy.
[Jack and Grace are cooking] Jack : This looks hard. Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac. [pause] Grace : It's *really* hard.
[Jack and Grace are cooking] Jack : This looks hard. Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac. [pause] Grace : It's *really* hard.
[Karen is feeling depressed] Grace : I need you to do me a favor... I need you to hit on Karen. [pause] Ben Doucette : Please tell me you just said you need me to PUT a hit on Karen.
[Karen is feeling depressed] Grace : I need you to do me a favor... I need you to hit on Karen. [pause] Ben Doucette : Please tell me you just said you need me to PUT a hit on Karen.
Grace : I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs. Will : Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
Grace : I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs. Will : Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
Grace : Ok, now, remember, Karen. Not a word about... Karen : [NODDING] Oh. John Goodman. Grace : Yes, Karen. John Goodman. Also try to avoid the subject of baby.
Grace : Ok, now, remember, Karen. Not a word about... Karen : [NODDING] Oh. John Goodman. Grace : Yes, Karen. John Goodman. Also try to avoid the subject of baby.
[Grace sees Nathan passed out with Will and Jack on a bed] Grace : Oh my God. I turned another one.
[Grace sees Nathan passed out with Will and Jack on a bed] Grace : Oh my God. I turned another one.
Grace : Karen, please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet. Karen : Honey, I just finished drinking breakfast. You've got to give the liver a little time to digest.
Grace : Karen, please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet. Karen : Honey, I just finished drinking breakfast. You've got to give the liver a little time to digest.
Karen : How about a toast... Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby. Will : I can't believe you told her. Grace : I can't believe you told him. Will : He doesn't count, he never listens. Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed. Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we? Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
Karen : How about a toast... Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby. Will : I can't believe you told her. Grace : I can't believe you told him. Will : He doesn't count, he never listens. Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed. Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we? Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
Karen : Grace, remember that afternoon and we were walking down 5th Avenue and you saw that ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "I would give anything to buy that ring"? Grace : Yeah? Karen : I bought it for myself.
Karen : Grace, remember that afternoon and we were walking down 5th Avenue and you saw that ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "I would give anything to buy that ring"? Grace : Yeah? Karen : I bought it for myself.
[Will and Grace are playing Pictionary] Grace : A duck. A chicken. An emu. Uma Thurman. Shamu. Okay, no. Okay. The sun. The moon. Reverend Sun Myung Moon. An eclipse. Eclair. Claire Danes. A great dane. Dame Judy Dench. Dame Maggie Smith... Will : Enough with the dames.
[Will and Grace are playing Pictionary] Grace : A duck. A chicken. An emu. Uma Thurman. Shamu. Okay, no. Okay. The sun. The moon. Reverend Sun Myung Moon. An eclipse. Eclair. Claire Danes. A great dane. Dame Judy Dench. Dame Maggie Smith... Will : Enough with the dames.
[Will is telling Grace about his sexual encounter with a woman after he dumped Grace] Will : Grace, I just wanted to see for sure. It was really bad. Grace : Well, why couldn't it have been bad with me? Will : Because I love you. I had to do it with someone I didn't love. And I love you. I couldn't do that to you.
[Will is telling Grace about his sexual encounter with a woman after he dumped Grace] Will : Grace, I just wanted to see for sure. It was really bad. Grace : Well, why couldn't it have been bad with me? Will : Because I love you. I had to do it with someone I didn't love. And I love you. I couldn't do that to you.
Grace : You said that money is no object. Karen : Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'.
Grace : You said that money is no object. Karen : Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'.
[to Karen] Grace : Put the catalog down... you have everything in it.
[to Karen] Grace : Put the catalog down... you have everything in it.
Grace : Who's Diane? Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her. [Grace looks hurt] Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her? [Grace gets up and walks out] Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
Grace : Who's Diane? Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her. [Grace looks hurt] Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her? [Grace gets up and walks out] Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
Dr. Leo Markus : Grace, I have to go to Guatamala to help out some doctors down there. Grace : You're going back to Africa? Dr. Leo Markus : Yes. And while I'm there I'm gonna buy you an atlas.
Dr. Leo Markus : Grace, I have to go to Guatamala to help out some doctors down there. Grace : You're going back to Africa? Dr. Leo Markus : Yes. And while I'm there I'm gonna buy you an atlas.
Karen : Honey, my mother wants to do something for herself and that gives me a beautiful feeling. Grace : So do the little blue pills you take every fifteen minutes from the bottle labeled "Beautiful Feeling!"
Karen : Honey, my mother wants to do something for herself and that gives me a beautiful feeling. Grace : So do the little blue pills you take every fifteen minutes from the bottle labeled "Beautiful Feeling!"
[Val has stolen Grace's music box, which plays "Hava Nagila", and claimed it is hers] Will : How long have you had it? Val : Oh, for, like, forever. Will : Oh, what's it play? Val : This old Irish song that I love. Will : Sweet. Can I hear it? Val : Sure. [opens the music box, singing along] Val : Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Ir...
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[Val has stolen Grace's music box, which plays "Hava Nagila", and claimed it is hers] Will : How long have you had it? Val : Oh, for, like, forever. Will : Oh, what's it play? Val : This old Irish song that I love. Will : Sweet. Can I hear it? Val : Sure. [opens the music box, singing along] Val : Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes... Grace : [shrieking] It's 'Hava Nagila'! It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!
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Grace : Oh my god. Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
Grace : Oh my god. Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
[on top of a building just before Grace's wedding] Grace : We have been up here before, remember? Will : No, that building was across the street from that juice store. Grace : Paradise Juice. See right where that parking lot is. Will : They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
[on top of a building just before Grace's wedding] Grace : We have been up here before, remember? Will : No, that building was across the street from that juice store. Grace : Paradise Juice. See right where that parking lot is. Will : They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table] Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World. Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table] Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World. Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
Grace : OK, this has been driving me crazy, and I can't keep it in any longer. There's something I really need to tell you. I have been dating your shrink. Will : [in unison with Grace] Dating my shrink. Grace : How did you know? Will : Well, let's just say he's used my sessions to figure out a way to get into Graceland.
Grace : OK, this has been driving me crazy, and I can't keep it in any longer. There's something I really need to tell you. I have been dating your shrink. Will : [in unison with Grace] Dating my shrink. Grace : How did you know? Will : Well, let's just say he's used my sessions to figure out a way to get into Graceland.
Mrs. Markus : Don't worry, Grace, Marvin will fill you in on everything. Grace : Who's Marvin? Leo : I'm Marvin. Grace : Your name is Marvin? Leo : Yeah, but people have always called me 'Leo' because... my name is Marvin.
Mrs. Markus : Don't worry, Grace, Marvin will fill you in on everything. Grace : Who's Marvin? Leo : I'm Marvin. Grace : Your name is Marvin? Leo : Yeah, but people have always called me 'Leo' because... my name is Marvin.
Jack : [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails. Will : Yeah, what's that about, Pipi? Grace : You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.
Jack : [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails. Will : Yeah, what's that about, Pipi? Grace : You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.
Grace : [on the phone] Yes. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now you're telling me you're all out? Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili. [Slams down the phone]
Grace : [on the phone] Yes. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now you're telling me you're all out? Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili. [Slams down the phone]
Will : Stanley Walker was a great man. Grace : A nice man. Jack : A FAT man. Will : He was a decent man. Grace : A kind man. Jack : A surprisingly good dancer.
Will : Stanley Walker was a great man. Grace : A nice man. Jack : A FAT man. Will : He was a decent man. Grace : A kind man. Jack : A surprisingly good dancer.
[Grace introduces Karen to her intern] Grace : Let me move you over here, in the unlikely event that she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole.
[Grace introduces Karen to her intern] Grace : Let me move you over here, in the unlikely event that she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole.
Grace : I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know? Jack : No... do you know? Karen : I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.
Grace : I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know? Jack : No... do you know? Karen : I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.
Grace : No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you.
Grace : No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you.
[Grace is asking Will to help her choose a dress] Grace : This one's slitty... this one's slutty... this one's titty... this one's butty.
[Grace is asking Will to help her choose a dress] Grace : This one's slitty... this one's slutty... this one's titty... this one's butty.
Grace : Fine, I don't need to go out with you guys. I have a kick ass night planned. Will : OK, ant traps are under the sink. Grace : Thanks.
Grace : Fine, I don't need to go out with you guys. I have a kick ass night planned. Will : OK, ant traps are under the sink. Grace : Thanks.
Alex : [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again. Will : Nothing could be more far away from the truth. Grace : [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweety. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you.
Alex : [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again. Will : Nothing could be more far away from the truth. Grace : [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweety. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you.
Will : I just spent an hour with Nathan at the Tight End. Grace : Oh God, if you're gonna tell me he's gay I'm gonna have a freakin' heart attack.
Will : I just spent an hour with Nathan at the Tight End. Grace : Oh God, if you're gonna tell me he's gay I'm gonna have a freakin' heart attack.
Will : I don't hate Andy, I like Andy. Grace : Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance. Will : Have you been swinging from powerlines?
Will : I don't hate Andy, I like Andy. Grace : Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance. Will : Have you been swinging from powerlines?
Grace : I don't need to have two gay guys laughing at me. I get enough of that at home
Grace : I don't need to have two gay guys laughing at me. I get enough of that at home
Grace : When we broke up it was for totally different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish, you wanted to sleep with men.
Grace : When we broke up it was for totally different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish, you wanted to sleep with men.
Gillian : [talking about Karen] She sends me to the coolest places, right? I mean, like yesterday. She sent me to Tiffany's and Barney's. She even sent me to the dog groomer to get the gray out of her poodle. Well... they couldn't because, well, it's a gray poodle. Grace : I'm sorry. She shouldn't have you running errands. Gillian : No, no. It was great. I ...
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Gillian : [talking about Karen] She sends me to the coolest places, right? I mean, like yesterday. She sent me to Tiffany's and Barney's. She even sent me to the dog groomer to get the gray out of her poodle. Well... they couldn't because, well, it's a gray poodle. Grace : I'm sorry. She shouldn't have you running errands. Gillian : No, no. It was great. I mean, the moment I mentioned her name at Barney's, people just started kissing my ass. I got a glass of champagne, a personal shopper, and a Percocet. It was awesome. Grace : Well, you should see what happens when you mention my name at The Rug Barn. You get a glass of cold mint tea and a rough kiss from a guy named Misha.
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Karen : Grace, my head is spinning. and not in a good way. Grace : OK,let my try an experiment I did in college. [Karen sighs then grabs Grace's face as if she is going to kiss her] Karen : All right one kiss and back to work. Grace : Not that kind of experiment.
Karen : Grace, my head is spinning. and not in a good way. Grace : OK,let my try an experiment I did in college. [Karen sighs then grabs Grace's face as if she is going to kiss her] Karen : All right one kiss and back to work. Grace : Not that kind of experiment.
Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama [Grace opens door to reveal Jack] Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me! Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor. [Grace exits] Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street! Will : That's shocking...
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Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama [Grace opens door to reveal Jack] Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me! Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor. [Grace exits] Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street! Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey? Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye! [Long pause, neither moves] Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
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Grace : I don't like the view. Will : You just don't like Ben. Grace : That's right the view of Ben.
Grace : I don't like the view. Will : You just don't like Ben. Grace : That's right the view of Ben.
Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen? Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait? Jack : What? Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you? Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie. Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me. Jack : You're married, I...
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Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen? Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait? Jack : What? Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you? Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie. Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me. Jack : You're married, I'm gay. Karen : Not in the lie.
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Karen : Oh honey, you're always the life of the party. Oh, speaking of parties, would you like me to "RSTD" to Moe and Mary's? Grace : Uh, I don't know Karen, I'm really not in the party mood. Karen : There'll be a nice cake. Grace : I do like a nice cake.
Karen : Oh honey, you're always the life of the party. Oh, speaking of parties, would you like me to "RSTD" to Moe and Mary's? Grace : Uh, I don't know Karen, I'm really not in the party mood. Karen : There'll be a nice cake. Grace : I do like a nice cake.
Karen : Honey, you're being so spiteful and vindictive. Grace : Compliments? This early in the day?
Karen : Honey, you're being so spiteful and vindictive. Grace : Compliments? This early in the day?
Grace : All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going. Will : Oh let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E... Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then m...
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Grace : All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going. Will : Oh let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E... Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then magically, you'll be ready to have a baby.
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Grace : Face it Karen, your a racist. Karen : How dare you call me a racist... Karen Walker is no racist... A homophobe... Maybe... But I am no racist [walks to the door and then turns back] Karen : And you can ask anyone I own!
Grace : Face it Karen, your a racist. Karen : How dare you call me a racist... Karen Walker is no racist... A homophobe... Maybe... But I am no racist [walks to the door and then turns back] Karen : And you can ask anyone I own!
Will : You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful.Yow! What is that thing? God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie. Grace : Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.
Will : You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful.Yow! What is that thing? God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie. Grace : Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.
Fannie : Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me! Grace : I don't have it to give!
Fannie : Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me! Grace : I don't have it to give!
Jack : As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for. Grace : Their money back?
Jack : As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for. Grace : Their money back?
Jack : Guess what I just got off of eBay? Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
Jack : Guess what I just got off of eBay? Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
Will : So, what do you think about my therapist? Grace : I like him. I like him like I like the Statue of Liberty. I know he's there but I don't need to see him all the time. Will : Interesting analogy.
Will : So, what do you think about my therapist? Grace : I like him. I like him like I like the Statue of Liberty. I know he's there but I don't need to see him all the time. Will : Interesting analogy.
Will : Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food. Jack , Grace : He's talking about you.
Will : Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food. Jack , Grace : He's talking about you.
Grace : On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes. Jack : And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.
Grace : On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes. Jack : And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.
[watching slides in her bedroom, depressed] Grace : This was my puppy, BoBo. He got run over by a truck. Lucky bastard.
[watching slides in her bedroom, depressed] Grace : This was my puppy, BoBo. He got run over by a truck. Lucky bastard.
Karen : Grace Alden. I'm ashamed... Grace : Adler. My last name is Adler. Karen : Oh... That's pretty.
Karen : Grace Alden. I'm ashamed... Grace : Adler. My last name is Adler. Karen : Oh... That's pretty.
Grace : If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with... "day."
Grace : If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with... "day."
Grace : Where's Daddy? Bobbi Adler : Oh, he's in Conneticut. Grandma Rose threatened to die.
Grace : Where's Daddy? Bobbi Adler : Oh, he's in Conneticut. Grandma Rose threatened to die.
Bobbi Adler : Now Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined. Grace : What? Bobbi Adler : Your father's back went out. Grace : Well how is he going to walk me down the aisle? Bobbi Adler : Oh don't worry, we'll just put a pastrami sandwich under the Chuppah and he'll find his way there.
Bobbi Adler : Now Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined. Grace : What? Bobbi Adler : Your father's back went out. Grace : Well how is he going to walk me down the aisle? Bobbi Adler : Oh don't worry, we'll just put a pastrami sandwich under the Chuppah and he'll find his way there.
Jack : [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay. Will : A pocket gay? Grace , Karen : A pocket gay? Jack : A pocket gay.
Jack : [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay. Will : A pocket gay? Grace , Karen : A pocket gay? Jack : A pocket gay.
Karen : Well honey, look on the bright side. Grace : What bright side? Karen : Jeez Honey it's just an expression.
Karen : Well honey, look on the bright side. Grace : What bright side? Karen : Jeez Honey it's just an expression.
Grace : Look, my choices were flawless, and if your client can't see that, then he is guilty of extremely bad taste, and isn't that the real crime here today? Will : Gracie, there is no... Grace : Objection. The familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other.
Grace : Look, my choices were flawless, and if your client can't see that, then he is guilty of extremely bad taste, and isn't that the real crime here today? Will : Gracie, there is no... Grace : Objection. The familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other.
Jack : Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog. Mipanko : I win. Jack : Damn. Every time. Grace : What are you doing? Jack : Playing Biggly Bog. Grace : Biggly what? Jack : Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
Jack : Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog. Mipanko : I win. Jack : Damn. Every time. Grace : What are you doing? Jack : Playing Biggly Bog. Grace : Biggly what? Jack : Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
[Elliot is on a soccer team] Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team. Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful." Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip. [he does] Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was you...
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[Elliot is on a soccer team] Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team. Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful." Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip. [he does] Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today... [waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring] Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!
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Grace : [to Jack] Today I'm handing out lollipops and ass-whoopins and right now, I'm all out of lollipops.
Grace : [to Jack] Today I'm handing out lollipops and ass-whoopins and right now, I'm all out of lollipops.
[Will is walking Grace down the aisle] Will : This may be the wrong time to tell you this, but I'm straight. Grace : Don't make me laugh, I'm being photographed.
[Will is walking Grace down the aisle] Will : This may be the wrong time to tell you this, but I'm straight. Grace : Don't make me laugh, I'm being photographed.
Grace : The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit. Will : Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind. Grace : Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?
Grace : The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit. Will : Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind. Grace : Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?
Grace : Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident. Will : Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy.
Grace : Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident. Will : Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy.
Grace : [to Ellen after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me.
Grace : [to Ellen after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me.
Grace : [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not Not "One look at you and I know I'm queer"!
Grace : [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not Not "One look at you and I know I'm queer"!
Karen : [sympathetically] Oh, Grace... Grace : What? Karen : Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace".
Karen : [sympathetically] Oh, Grace... Grace : What? Karen : Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace".
[Karen is offended because Grace said that she, Karen, could not be trusted as a babysitter] Grace : Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me, Elmo" and less... "Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border."
[Karen is offended because Grace said that she, Karen, could not be trusted as a babysitter] Grace : Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me, Elmo" and less... "Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border."
[Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it] Ellen : You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway. Grace : Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up? K...
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[Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it] Ellen : You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway. Grace : Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up? Karen : Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job?
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[Lyle walks in] Lyle Finster : There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire. [Karen rolls her eyes] Lyle Finster : Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area. Karen : Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you...
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[Lyle walks in] Lyle Finster : There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire. [Karen rolls her eyes] Lyle Finster : Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area. Karen : Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here. Grace : [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday. Lyle Finster : Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster. Grace : Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you. Karen : That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch. Lyle Finster : I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips. Karen : What? Give it back! [Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling] Grace : If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums. Karen : Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my - [realizes] Karen : Hey! Lyle Finster : Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying. Grace : Really, I'm uncomfortable. Karen : It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it. Lyle Finster : Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak... Grace : Please, one of us has to go! Karen : Get out. Lyle Finster : Very well. But know this: Every vagina... Grace : GET OUT!
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Grace : Gay sex is *so* hot.
Grace : Gay sex is *so* hot.
Grace : [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty.
Grace : [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty.
Grace : Will, my love for you is like this scar, (points at elbow) ugly, but permanent.
Grace : Will, my love for you is like this scar, (points at elbow) ugly, but permanent.
Grace : Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet? Pam : Right after my smoke break. Grace : I already told you, there is no smoking here. Pam : It is part of my religion. Karen : Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second? Grace : It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is where I draw t...
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Grace : Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet? Pam : Right after my smoke break. Grace : I already told you, there is no smoking here. Pam : It is part of my religion. Karen : Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second? Grace : It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is where I draw the line.
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[Jack is angry with Karen] Karen : Hi, poodle. Jack : Mm. How are you? [to Grace] Jack : Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy? Grace : [confused] His name is Martin Adler.
[Jack is angry with Karen] Karen : Hi, poodle. Jack : Mm. How are you? [to Grace] Jack : Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy? Grace : [confused] His name is Martin Adler.
Grace : What you're feeling are pangs of guilt. Karen : What? Grace : Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that... Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... Yo...
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Grace : What you're feeling are pangs of guilt. Karen : What? Grace : Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that... Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."
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Jack : I fooled around with Josh. Grace : What? Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it. Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui. Grace : What does that mean? Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
Jack : I fooled around with Josh. Grace : What? Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it. Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui. Grace : What does that mean? Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
Jack : You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven. Grace : Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.
Jack : You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven. Grace : Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.
[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss] Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on. Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret. Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five. [Grace gasps] Dennis : A...
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[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss] Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on. Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret. Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five. [Grace gasps] Dennis : And bring the mop. [Jack gasps] Jack : Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
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[while watching basketball on TV] Grace : Have you seen Matt yet? Will : Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa. Jack : Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
[while watching basketball on TV] Grace : Have you seen Matt yet? Will : Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa. Jack : Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
Jack : We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right? Grace : Who isn't?
Jack : We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right? Grace : Who isn't?
Grace Adler, Grace, Herself
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