Character Jack McFarland, Himself, Jack

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Jack McFarland, Himself, Jack

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Jack : I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes... and then I'd walk to the theater.

Jack : Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!

Will : This is a gay landmark! Jack : The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark! This is just a bookstore.

[Jack is protesting a gay kiss being pulled from an NBC show, and has just been told the channel can't promote that lifestyle] Jack : It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!

Jack : Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for you?

Jack : [looks at Will in a shortie robe] Why the long robe?

Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over. Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it? Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.

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[during Jack 2001, Jack is singing and dancing to 'Arthur's Theme,' holding up pictures of the moon and New York City] Jack : The best that you can do - cha cha cha - the best that you can do - Chaka Khan - is fall in love... two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round. Val : Whoo! Yay! Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me. Jack : Well, for the last seven shows, I was. Val : Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now. Jack : Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here [holds up the New York picture] Jack : and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here. [holds up the moon picture] Jack : .

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Jack : That doesn't look like a salad to me! Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda? Ben Doucette : Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa. Jack : I know that! I sponsor a kid in Arugula!

Carla : Hey, are you going to come back and finish that lap dance? Jack : Uh, no I don't think so! Carla : Well, here's my card if you change your mind. Jack : Well, thanks, Carl... wait, you're a Carl? Carla : Just from the waist down. From the waist up I'm Carla. Jack : Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!

Jack : Will, something bad happened. Will : What? Jack : I got turned on by that lap dancer! Will : Are you sure? Jack : Look, I know the difference between 6:00 and 12:00 and this was definitely Midnight at the Oasis!

[Grace is redecorating Jack's apartment, and Karen is paying] Jack : [spreads arms] I've got it! A skylight. Grace : [exasperated] Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building. Jack : [screeching] Karen, I can't work like this!

[Jack and Will are shopping] Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion. [high-pitched] Jack : 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower! Will : Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked? [they see Leo at the counter] Jack : Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter. Will : I know that guy. That's that hor...

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[Karen is running a scam with her con-artist mother, and she is wearing a sweatshirt that says 'I Loves Me Kitty'] Jack : Oh, my God, I have that same shirt! Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says 'I love me big, red - ' Will : Jack!

[Will's date has just called to say he's running late] Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.' Will : Really. What's gay for 'get out'? Jack : That would be 'good morning.' [pause] Will : [at the same time as Jack] Good morning, Jack. [Jack leaves]

Jack : Leo, she doesn't have ca-bobs. She has a ca-gina. Karen : And nice ca-tits.

Jack : we could play a sport like footskitball

Jack : Oh Karen, you'd do that for me? You'd invite my family into your own home? Karen : Oh poodle when you put it like that... No.

Jack : Kiss it, kiss it, spank it.

Karen : [helping Jack practice for the Gay Spelling Bee] The word is... doily. Jack : Doily. Karen : Doily. Jack : Doily... could you use it in a sentence? Karen : The man walked *doily* down the street. Jack : Oh, doily! D-O-I-L-Y! Karen : Right!

Kevin Bacon : Man if I had a dollar for every jock strap my stalker stole from me... Jack : You'd have $187!... [Kevin Bacon looks at him strangely] Jack : ... [nervously] Jack : It's just an expression.

Jack : Today is an important day for you. You're not just losing a friend, you're losing a hag. Will : She is not my hag. She's just a single woman who used to be in love with me and who hasn't spent a day away from me since college. [sighs] Will : She's been a good hag.

[during Karen's wedding] Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!

Jack : Yeah. Oh, look! There he is. There's Bill. Isn't he dreamy? Karen : Yeah, he's a slice of ice-cream cake. Now, when do I get to French-kiss a girl? Come on, when? When?

Jack : Will, the sweetest thing just happened. The lady on the elevator said we were a cute couple. Stuart : Well, actually she said, "Stop making out or the fires of Hell will consume you."

Jack : Elliot, we're gonna have an adult conversation now so I think you should leave the room. [They start walking towards the door] Elliot : Well, can I listen at the door? Jack : [looking around] ... Yeah, I think that'd be okay.

[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"] Will : I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad. Jack : What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save. Will : So? Jack : So, you have the instinct. Will : That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passen...

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Jack : Will, you're going to be a great dad because for the past 10 years you've been a great one to me. Will : Wanna stop for ice cream? Jack : Nah. Will : Want to go to a bar and look at hot guys? Jack : I love you daddy.

[Will just made a bad joke] Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already hates us enough.

Grace : [making up a story about a vase they brought at a nick-nack store] It's a sad story actually, it's the only thing that survived the fire that burned down the house when Grams accidentally answered the iron. Jack : With her hook!

Jack : Can you contact me with Jude Law? Psychic Sue : He's not dead. Jack : I know, but I still want to make contact with his other side.

Grace : Are you wearing smarty-pants, because that was a great idea! Jack : Well, no, but I might be wearing a witty thong!

Jack : [singing] You can ring my beh-eh-ell. You can ring my bell. Rosario : Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

Jack : Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.

Jack : But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.

Karen : Ugh. The subway was disgusting. Jack : Karen, we took your limo. Karen : Oh. I've got to stop drinking those Big Gulps.

Jack : Lesson for today: Though the eyes are the window to the soul, the zipper is the window to the underwear.

[Thanks to Karen, Jack says he just lost the gay spelling bee] Jack : Well, well, well. Look who it is. Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob? Karen : It's only smaller when it's scared.

[Jack and Grace are cooking] Jack : This looks hard. Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac. [pause] Grace : It's *really* hard.

Jack : Go, before somebody drops a house on you. Karen : Up yours, Dorothy.

Karen : Honey brace yourself. Stan is having an affair. He was caught red handed. Jack : He was by himself?

Jack : Are there any Hobbits left in America?

Jack : There are no straight men. Only men who haven't met Jack.

Karen : How about a toast... Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby. Will : I can't believe you told her. Grace : I can't believe you told him. Will : He doesn't count, he never listens. Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed. Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we? Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?

Karen : Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which one do you save? Will : Why are they in a tent? Karen : Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry! Jack : What? Why him? He's hideous! Jack : [to Will:] No you're not. Jack : [to Karen:] He's revolting! Jack : [to Will:] That's not true. Jack : [to Karen:] He's disgusting! Karen : Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there. Will : What am I, a sausage?

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Jack : Why are you so angry? Why don't you tell me what this is really about? Oh... my god. You're in love with me, aren't you? Will : Do you smell toast? Because I think you're having a stroke.

Will : This guy I had a date with tonight, used to be straight. I was his first homosexual date. Jack : What. He just can't start sleeping with guys, who is he, Anne Heche?

[On Lorraine] Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.

Grace : Who's Diane? Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her. [Grace looks hurt] Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her? [Grace gets up and walks out] Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.

Jack : You cannot believe the day I had. Something must be dont. Will : Ohh look, it's the Notorious FAG.

Jack : It's funny, but as a gay man, I'm strangely drawn to you. Liz : Yeah, I get that a lot.

Jack : Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks.

Jack : Who gets married on twenty-thou? My dress alone will cost fifteen.

[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table] Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World. Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?

Jack : [answering the phone] Yeah? [pause] Jack : Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can't wait to tell my friends. [hangs up and runs to the door] Jack : I'll see you guys later.

[about Jack's father] Jack : He was the source of all my talent. Will : But Jack... you don't have any talent.

Jack : [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails. Will : Yeah, what's that about, Pipi? Grace : You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.

Jack : Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here. Cam : I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.

[Will and Jack are reading the newspaper] Will : Yes. Intel is up 2-and-a-half points. Jack : Yes. My gym just got trampolines.

Jack : So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet? Karen : Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me - which the filthy pig did - no hard feelings - may he rot in hell - I love him to pieces - the fat turd. And I get half of everything.

[Will invited Jack's mom to their Thanksgiving dinner] Jack : The woman is a monster, and you clearly did this to torture me. Will : I did not. That was just an unexpected bonus, really.

[Two kids are making fun of another kid] Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I could vomit.

Cher : [to Jack during his dream] Follow your bliss jack... Jack : [grabs one of Cher's dancers] my bliss is this way.

[Cher sings] Jack : STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream? Cher : Well, someone's gotta pay for these costumes and dancing fairies.

Cher : Don't talk to me about rejection, okay? Look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I LOST the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'. Jack : But you WON the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'. Cher : And don't you forget it.

Nathan : I'm Nathan, Grace's new boyfriend. Jack : That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe from you...

Jack : Uma Thurman-Hawke, hide me.

Jack : [to Will, about Elliott] Would it have killed you to acknowledge that he exists, or were you too busy high-kickin' it with Nikki Kidman at the Moulin Rouge?

Jack : Have you lost your mind as well as your looks? I ain't babysitting.

Jack : When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders and about 30 on your hips.

Jack : [to a guy who works in tv] TV? I love tv. "Buffy" is my life. So into Willow being a les, did you have anything to do with that?

Will : Stanley Walker was a great man. Grace : A nice man. Jack : A FAT man. Will : He was a decent man. Grace : A kind man. Jack : A surprisingly good dancer.

Val : I pretended your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today. Jack : Okay, time to go, psycho.

[about newly gay man Barry] Jack : Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nurture them, make them beautiful. We have to Gay It Forward. Will : How long have you been sitting on that one? Jack : Since the movie came out.

Grace : I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know? Jack : No... do you know? Karen : I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.

Jack : He makes me want to be a bigger man. Will : You mean a BETTER man. Jack : That too.

[Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knocks on the door] Jack : Maybe it's not Paul. Paul : Hi, it's Paul. Jack : Maybe it's a different Paul. Paul : Paul Bailey. Jack : Maybe he forgot about the dog. Paul : I'm here for the dog. Jack : Maybe he's over you. Paul : Oh, I've missed you. Jack : Well, m...

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[Jack is meditating to prepare to tell his mom he's gay] Jack : And now I'm calm. [Here's a knock on the door and learns it's his mother] Jack : Sarah Jessica Parker. Hide me.

Jack : Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.

Jack : Mary Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful.

Jack : Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.

Karen : I know. Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person. Jack : Karen. You are such a female Jesus.

Karen : Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifications? Jack : I'm gay. Karen : Oh honey what would I do without you?

Jack : One day I hope to have a hag of my very own.

Jack : I don't know Truman it's kind of a turn off. Howabout mary fatjeans?

[Watching the first gay kiss on network TV] Jack : This is bigger than the moon landing. Will : One giant leap for man-on-man kind.

Jack : We need a good designer. Karen : Do you know any? Jack : Why isn't she speaking? Karen : Because she's hypnotized by her own dress.

Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama [Grace opens door to reveal Jack] Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me! Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor. [Grace exits] Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street! Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey? Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye! [Long pause, neither moves] Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?

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[Jack and Karen have just had a big fight over the Rosario/Jack divorce case. Jack flounces out of the room but just before... ] Jack : By the way your boobs look great today Karen : [Quickly but cheerfully shows some of her top and cleavage] Thanks it's a one of a kind Jean Pierre just had it shipped in from Paris today. [Pissed off] Karen : NOW GET THE ...

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Jack : 1. Five hundred thousand dollars all in fifties. 2 A Shetland pony died pony blue to match my eyes. 3 Powder Blue Eyes.

Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen? Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait? Jack : What? Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you? Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie. Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me. Jack : You're married, I...

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Jack : You sure you don't want to go to Joe and Larry's kid's party? You'll tower over people. Will : I do like to feel tall.

Jack : This makes me feel like a man. Will : Yeah. Jack : No, seriously, I'm going to need a man after we're done.

[Will and Jack walk in on Grace and Karen] Jack : Hey ladies. [to Will and Jack] Karen : Hey ladies.

Jack : You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large. Kevin Bacon : But you fingered this guy. Jack : I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud. Kevin Bacon : You... you're my stalker. Jack : I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.

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Karen : Anyone homo? Jack : I am. I am.

[Karen answers Jack's phone; it's Elliot and he wants to talk to Jack] Jack : No, no, he's gonna - he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse. Karen : All right. [into the phone] Karen : Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure-skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad? Jack : [runs over and grabs the phone] Brr, I'm back!

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Jack : As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for. Grace : Their money back?

Jack : Guess what I just got off of eBay? Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.

Will : Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food. Jack , Grace : He's talking about you.

Grace : On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes. Jack : And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.

Jack : He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.'

[Jack has been annoying Will] Jack : Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes? Will : Nothing crawled up my culottes. It's just that you're two inches from my head, polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.

Jack : Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.

Will : Well, good for you, Jack. What's the video about? Jack : It's a hard hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace. Will : Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, Jack. Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had 2 nipples for a dime?

Will : That sounds fun. What time is it on? Jack : Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelys. Will : Oh, please, please, please, can't I be a flouncing geek, too?

Jack : You're caring and loving... Will : You're just saying that to make me feel better. Jack : No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that?

Jack : [to Karen] You will never be a fish! Isn't it enough that you *drink* like one?

Jack : Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night!

Jack : Woah Woah Woah Shift It Back!

Jack : Are you done? Wait a minute let me rephrase that. You're done!

Jack : I cost a little more but I'm worth it.

Jack : Chow mein.

Jack : [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling.

Jack : Now you're talkin' Jackanese.

Karen : Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too. Jack : Mmm, it does, thanks.

Jack : [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay. Will : A pocket gay? Grace , Karen : A pocket gay? Jack : A pocket gay.

Jack : Language was only needed when unattractive people were born so they could be commented on.

Will : Their last party was so wild. All I remember is making out with some guy in a hot tub. Jack : Me too. [Long pause] Will : I really don't really remember that... Jack : Me neither.

Jack : It's time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will.

[Jack doesn't believe that Eliot's mother is gay] Jack : No, it can't be... same something lesbionic. Bonnie : Home Depot. Jack : K.D. Lang you are a lesbian.

Will : What, is the whole city gay? Jack : Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomorrow morning... muhahaha.

Jack : Wow, Will, you did a great job planning this wedding. [bowing] Jack : I take my pants off to you.

Jack : ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!

Jack : Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!

[Describing his ideal man] Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.

Jack : [gasps] That was you taking my breath away!

Jack : I think I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just a second [mimics throwing up] Jack : okay, babe, what we're you saying?

Jack : [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah. he's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times." OK. OK, OK. OK. I love you, too. Bye-bye.

Jack : Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog. Mipanko : I win. Jack : Damn. Every time. Grace : What are you doing? Jack : Playing Biggly Bog. Grace : Biggly what? Jack : Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.

Jack : Heard that. I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me about the ear, nose, and throat?

Karen : Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm. Jack : [rolls eyes and does so]

[Elliot is on a soccer team] Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team. Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful." Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip. [he does] Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today... [waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring] Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!

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[Jack is participating in a gay spelling bee, cutting from another scene] Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. 'Eyebrow job.' [later] Jack : D-I-R-R-R-T-Y. Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrrty'? [later] Jack : - H-I-S. 'Mom, I don't know how to tell you this.' Judge : [later] The word is... 'GQ.' Jack : Did you say GQ? Judge : Congratulations. You've made it to the final round.

[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator] Will : Val? What are you doing? Val : Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement. Jack : Shut up, I do the same thing. Will : I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.

Bill : Jack. You're hitting on me. Jack : I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?

Cher : Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll. Jack : Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless. Cher : Whatever. Jack : Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good. Cher : I've had a lot of practice. Jack : Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you. Cher : Ya think so? Jack : Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe" Cher : Are you kidding me with this? Jack : OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe" Cher : Get a life. [walks away then turns around] Cher : [sings] If I could turn back time. Jack : [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe. Cher : [slaps Jack] Snap out of it! [she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]

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Will : Got a hot date? Jack : No, but the guy who's dating me does.

Jack : I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!

[Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time] Jack : My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it.

Jack : So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think. Karen : Pretend to care, pretend to care. Jack : Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together. Karen : Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party. Jack : Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace. Karen : Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like? Jack : Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake. Karen : Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake? [takes a sip of wine] Karen : Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party. [pauses] Karen : Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Jack : I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you? Karen : Okay that's just freaky.

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[Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbours] Will : Come on, Jack, let's try the back door. Jack : Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!

Jack : I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out. Karen : I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone ...

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[Jack is angry with Karen] Karen : Hi, poodle. Jack : Mm. How are you? [to Grace] Jack : Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy? Grace : [confused] His name is Martin Adler.

Jack : I fooled around with Josh. Grace : What? Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it. Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui. Grace : What does that mean? Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.

Jack : You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven. Grace : Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.

[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss] Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on. Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret. Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five. [Grace gasps] Dennis : A...

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Will : No, no. I don't want to have sex with you. Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much... Will : No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack. Jack : Jack who? Will : Jack you. Jack : Jack me? Will : No thanks.

[while watching basketball on TV] Grace : Have you seen Matt yet? Will : Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa. Jack : Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.

Jack : My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.

Jack : We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right? Grace : Who isn't?